zelda

Termina Resident Convinced Giant, Ominous Moon Liberal Hoax

CLOCK TOWN — A Termina citizen took to the streets yesterday to denounce the large, ominous moon inching ever closer…

4 years ago

Young Link Shaken After Seeing What Loser Virgin He Grows Up to Be

HYRULE — Feeling completely shaken after pulling the Master Sword from its pedestal, unlocking the path to the Sacred Realm and…

4 years ago

Nintendo Leaks Worsen as Hackers Reveal Shigeru Miyamoto’s Entire DNA Sequence

KYOTO, Japan — After suffering a string of damaging data breaches and leaked trade secrets such as hardware specs and console…

4 years ago

Happy Mask Salesman Immediately Sells Out Entire Stock of N95 Deku Masks

CLOCK TOWN — Selling out his entire inventory after five minutes of announcing a restock, the Happy Mask Salesman announced to…

4 years ago

Looter Has Zero Regard for Neighbor’s Property

HYRULE — A local looter named Link was seen breaking into random buildings, destroying valuable clay pots and stealing the…

4 years ago

Sephora Launches New Majora’s Mask, Leaving Women Exfoliated and Burdened With Dark Magic

SEATTLE — Sephora patrons rushed into local stores early Friday for the launch of Majora's Mask, Nintendo’s limited-time exfoliation product,…

5 years ago

Novelty Zelda Wallet Only Holds Maximum of $99

NEW YORK — Upon returning from a shopping trip to the Rockefeller Center Nintendo shop, gaming enthusiast Amy Weiss was…

5 years ago

Nintendo Sends DMCA Takedown to Man’s Arm for Triforce Tattoo

ATLANTA — Video game company Nintendo has sent a cease and desist to local fan Denis Fernandez for his Legend…

5 years ago

Opinion: For All His Faults, Ganondorf Was Patriot and a Man of Principle

Ganondorf Dragmire served Hyrule for seven years as it’s king and as we mourn his recent passing, it is important…

5 years ago