March 28, 2021 Elon Musk Admits He Wants to Travel to Mars Because No One Hates Him There Yet Elon Musk Admits He Wants to Travel to Mars Because No One Hates Him There Yet AUSTIN, Texas — Wiping tears from his eyes at a recent press conference, SpaceX CEO Elon Musk revealed that the reason he’s so keen on…
January 2, 2021 Elon Musk Unveils New Single Person Hyperloop Elon Musk Unveils New Single Person Hyperloop AMIGARA — In a press conference today, Boring Company founder Elon Musk unveiled the latest redesign of his Hyperloop transportation system designed to transport a…
December 15, 2020 CD Projekt Red Hires Elon Musk to Oversee All Future Failed Launches CD Projekt Red Hires Elon Musk to Oversee All Future Failed Launches WARSAW — Following the tumultuous release of their long anticipated RPG CyberPunk 2077, CD Projekt Red has appointed entrepreneur and SpaceX Founder and CEO Elon…
December 15, 2020 Elon Musk Announces He’s Raising His Son Without Pronouns or Friends Elon Musk Announces He’s Raising His Son Without Pronouns or Friends SAN FRANCISCO — Tesla, Inc. CEO Elon Musk announced today that he will be raising his son X Æ A-Xii without pronouns or friends in…
June 22, 2020 Grimes and Elon Musk Reveal They Named Child to Give Him Infinite Money Cheat Grimes and Elon Musk Reveal They Named Child to Give Him Infinite Money Cheat HILLSBOROUGH, Calif. — Pop singer Grimes and Elon Musk recently announced that their son X Æ A-XII’s unusual name was chosen because it’s actually a…
June 1, 2020 Tesla Releases Cheaper Model With 5 Second Advertisements Before Letting You Brake Tesla Releases Cheaper Model With 5 Second Advertisements Before Letting You Brake LOS ANGELES — At an unveiling at the Tesla Design Studio, CEO Elon Musk presented a new, cheaper base model of the electric car, less…
August 17, 2019 REPORT: Self-Driving Cars 95% Less Likely to Pull Off Sick Donuts in 7/11 Parking Lot REPORT: Self-Driving Cars 95% Less Likely to Pull Off Sick Donuts in 7/11 Parking Lot PALO ALTO, Calif. — A disheartening new report from Tesla concluded earlier this week that self-driving cars are still years behind their traditional counterparts when…
March 26, 2019 Tesla Board Begging Elon Musk to Just Open Whimsical Chocolate Factory Already Tesla Board Begging Elon Musk to Just Open Whimsical Chocolate Factory Already PALO ALTO, Calif. — A letter to Tesla CEO Elon Musk from the rest of the company’s Board of Directors was leaked to the media…
August 6, 2018 Insufferable Alien Brags About Running Human Universe Simulation on Linux Insufferable Alien Brags About Running Human Universe Simulation on Linux PLUCART SYSTEM — Local alien Blixbor Raxorit once again boastfully yammered on about his Linux-based human life simulator called ‘Earth,’ much to the chagrin of…
