June 15, 2021 Todd Howard Wishes Bethesda Showcase Were Long Enough to Tell Every Single Playstation Owner to Fuck Themselves Individually Todd Howard Wishes Bethesda Showcase Were Long Enough to Tell Every Single Playstation Owner to Fuck Themselves Individually LOS ANGELES — Todd Howard expressed regret that Bethesda’s E3 showcase was only about an hour long, because he would have loved the chance to…
June 15, 2021 Day Two Recap: God Creates Clouds and Ocean Day Two Recap: God Creates Clouds and Ocean LOS ANGELES — Sunday morning kicked off Day Two of E3 with conferences from Microsoft, Square Enix, and Our Lord showcasing the new Halo’s multiplayer,…
June 14, 2021 New Patch Fixes Glitch That Made Pen Mightier Than Sword New Patch Fixes Glitch That Made Pen Mightier Than Sword EARTH — Developers of the planet Earth have released a new patch that fixes a thousands-year-old glitch which accidentally made pens mightier than swords. “Oooh…
June 13, 2021 E3 Journalist Misses Visceral Thrill of Copying Press Releases in Person E3 Journalist Misses Visceral Thrill of Copying Press Releases in Person SAN FRANCISCO — While covering the online-only E3 2021, video game journalist Shaun Carlson has reportedly missed the excitement of copying press releases on location.…
June 12, 2021 Millennial’s Retirement Portfolio Still Has a Few Empty Sleeves Millennial’s Retirement Portfolio Still Has a Few Empty Sleeves EVANSTON, Ill. — 28-year-old bartender Grace Federman reportedly discovered several empty sleeves in her retirement portfolio after going through the Pokémon cards in her parents’…
June 12, 2021 Exhausted Fan Game Developer Prays Nintendo Sends Cease and Desist Soon Exhausted Fan Game Developer Prays Nintendo Sends Cease and Desist Soon LOS ANGELES — Paul Moreno, the lone developer for a dating simulator game based on Nintendo’s popular Zelda franchise, once again asked God to please…
June 10, 2021 Yoshi Okay Living Like This Yoshi Okay Living Like This DINOSAUR LAND — The perennial member of the Mario Bros clique is reportedly still content to eat and sleep in a house made of three…
June 9, 2021 Downtrodden Golduck Puts on Belt and Jorts for Second Job as Digimon Downtrodden Golduck Puts on Belt and Jorts for Second Job as Digimon SAFFRON CITY, Kanto — Longtime Nintendo employee and anthropomorphic bipedal duck Golduck has recently begun moonlighting as a Digimon to make ends meet. “When the…
June 8, 2021 Bishop Zips Across Chessboard Outta Fuckin Nowhere Bishop Zips Across Chessboard Outta Fuckin Nowhere GRAND RAPIDS, Mich. — In a major blow that took place just seconds into one of his first casual games, chess player Ezra Kelly was…
