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Millennial’s Retirement Portfolio Still Has a Few Empty Sleeves


book, cards, finance, millennial, pokemon, portfolio, retirement, savings

EVANSTON, Ill. — 28-year-old bartender Grace Federman reportedly discovered several empty sleeves in her retirement portfolio after going through the Pokémon cards in her parents’ garage.

“With such an uncertain economy, it’s reassuring to have stable assets like a first-edition shadowless holographic Ninetales in your back pocket,” said Federman as she wiped down the back of a card with a microfiber cloth. “These extra plastic sheets will come in handy if I discover any unexpected investment opportunities at a yard sale or cousin’s house.”

Federal Reserve spokesman Brandon Greene commended financially savvy millennials like Federman for their forward-thinking outlook. 

“Teaching our children about 401k accounts and NM / Mints from a young age helps to build financial literacy,” said Greene. “Ms. Federman has shown us the benefits of holding on to assets long-term, although we generally would recommend that she diversify her portfolio with Yu-Gi-Oh! and Magic: The Gathering cards to protect her against nostalgia volatility in the future.”

Despite the bright outlook of her retirement plan, Federman was apprehensive when asked about her financial planning.

“It’s disappointing when I compare myself to my parents. When they were my age, they already had a house, a pension, and several sleeves of Mickey Mantle rookie cards. That kind of wealth just seems out of reach for my generation today.”

At press time, Federman had begun investing in cryptocurrency after downloading the Star Wars Card Trader app.

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