January 28, 2022 New Pokémon Game Just Gonna Assume You Need an Hour or So of Text to Learn What a Pokémon Is New Pokémon Game Just Gonna Assume You Need an Hour or So of Text to Learn What a Pokémon Is TOKYO — Newly released Pokémon game Pokémon Legends: Arceus figures you need a good hour or two of soundless text to explain to you what…
January 28, 2022 Sony Suggests Putting Crash Bandicoot in the Middle and Letting Him Choose Which Company He Wants to Go To Sony Suggests Putting Crash Bandicoot in the Middle and Letting Him Choose Which Company He Wants to Go To SAN MATEO, Calif. — In response to Microsoft’s recent acquisition of Activision-Blizzard, Sony Interactive Entertainment CEO Jim Ryan suggested that beloved video game protagonist Crash…
January 6, 2022 Anita Sarkeesian Criticizes Gay Porn for Lack of Female Representation Anita Sarkeesian Criticizes Gay Porn for Lack of Female Representation LOS ANGELES — Feminist Frequency founder Anita Sarkeesian wrote a critical review of a recent gay porn video, citing the film’s lack of female representation…
January 5, 2022 Skipping 30 Second Ad in Podcast Becomes 2 Minute Ordeal Skipping 30 Second Ad in Podcast Becomes 2 Minute Ordeal NEW YORK — An attempt to quickly pass over a thirty second ad in the middle of a podcast recently spiraled into a several minute…
January 4, 2022 Late Night Trip to Fridge Derailed By Enemy Who Wasn’t There During Daytime Late Night Trip to Fridge Derailed By Enemy Who Wasn’t There During Daytime TOLUCA LAKE, Calif. — After moving to a new home and before learning its spawn points, local woman Janice Dramps was accosted in her kitchen…
January 4, 2022 BREAKING: Shadow The Hedgehog Has Died During Childbirth BREAKING: Shadow The Hedgehog Has Died During Childbirth CENTRAL CITY — Tragedy struck earlier this morning as motorcycle enthusiast and self-proclaimed ultimate life form Shadow the Hedgehog passed away unexpectedly due to complications…
January 3, 2022 Matt Mercer Spends 45 Minutes Describing Sandwich Smell to Waiter Matt Mercer Spends 45 Minutes Describing Sandwich Smell to Waiter LOS ANGELES — Legendary Dungeon Master and part-time Wyrmwood spokesman Matt Mercer made a splash at a local restaurant this week when he described his…
January 3, 2022 Sega Announces They Will Be Using Fan-Game Creators to Develop New Sonic Lawsuit Sega Announces They Will Be Using Fan-Game Creators to Develop New Sonic Lawsuit SAN FRANCISCO — Sega announced today that, after a down-period of creativity in its staple Sonic franchise, the company will be reaching out to fan…
January 3, 2022 DEAL ALERT: This Dumb Grieving Mother Is Selling Her Deceased Son’s Pokémon Cards for Like Barely Anything DEAL ALERT: This Dumb Grieving Mother Is Selling Her Deceased Son’s Pokémon Cards for Like Barely Anything Oh shit Pokémon fans, we have the deal of the century for you! If you’re looking for some sick cards on the cheapo, local grieving…
