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New Pokémon Game Just Gonna Assume You Need an Hour or So of Text to Learn What a Pokémon Is


TOKYO — Newly released Pokémon game Pokémon Legends: Arceus figures you need a good hour or two of soundless text to explain to you what a Pokémon’s whole deal is, according to frustrated sources.

“So do you know what Pokémon are? Oh, you do? Well I had this whole explanation prepared, so I might as well tell you anyway!” said Pokémon Legends: Arceus to another 35-year-old gamer who has put roughly 10,000 hours into the series. “Don’t worry, it won’t take too long! We’re just going to go through what a Pokémon is, how to catch them, what kinds of bonds you can form with them, how to battle them, how to buy items at the store, how to change your clothes, and, just for good measure, what a Pokémon is again. Just in case you didn’t know that they’re wonderful element-based creatures who roam this world and battle with each other.”

According to those familiar with the situation, players have found the tutorial sections of the game frustrating.

“Jesus Fucking Christ, now they need to explain to me how to do a battle?! How many level 5 tackle battles have I been through in my life? It’s like they think this is a game for children!” exclaimed gamer Carl Hansen. “Just give me an option where I can click ‘I’m an expert at Pokémon’ and I start off in the gameplay portion of this shit. Every year, these games get longer and longer tutorials and meanwhile, when I started playing this in the ’90s, I literally had to figure out secret stat mechanics using a calculator. Oh how the mighty have fallen! Now how the hell do I trade all my old Pokémon from old games into this thing so I can just run through the story?”

Despite complaints, developers have stuck by their decision to keep lengthy intros into the game.

“Do you know how hard it is to make a Pokémon game? These things come out like every three months. We straight up copy and paste all the intro dialogue from game to game, but no one has noticed because they either skip through the whole thing or they’re 12,” said Pokémon Legends: Arceus director Kazumasa Iwao. “Honestly, we haven’t even really had time to tell if people are playing these things, so we wanna make sure that they know what’s going on if this is their first Pokémon game. Because, you know, the idea of a Pokémon is pretty wacky! Hopefully one day we get the chance to take a break, see if people are playing the games, and read any comments or concerns they might have. But who knows if there even are any?”

At press time, Hansen was looking up what the hell “research points” are after mashing A through all the tutorial sections to get to the gameplay.