October 31, 2021 Guy at Bar Just Itching to Tell Someone About Moon Knight’s Whole Deal Guy at Bar Just Itching to Tell Someone About Moon Knight’s Whole Deal BURBANK, Calif. — Patrons of The Roundabout Bar and Grill were on high alert today, as local man Max Buckler appeared ready to blather on…
July 25, 2021 Man Settles In to Watch Last 20 Minutes of Avatar on the Big TV at Best Buy Man Settles In to Watch Last 20 Minutes of Avatar on the Big TV at Best Buy IRVINE, Calif. — Local customer Michael Reeves has reportedly taken a break from shopping for printer ink after noticing the third act of the 2009…
June 12, 2021 Millennial’s Retirement Portfolio Still Has a Few Empty Sleeves Millennial’s Retirement Portfolio Still Has a Few Empty Sleeves EVANSTON, Ill. — 28-year-old bartender Grace Federman reportedly discovered several empty sleeves in her retirement portfolio after going through the Pokémon cards in her parents’…
June 7, 2021 9-Year-Old Can’t Wait to Find Out What Fucked Up Shit Is in Game Rated E10+ 9-Year-Old Can’t Wait to Find Out What Fucked Up Shit Is in Game Rated E10+ SAN DIEGO, Calif. — Local 9-year-old Simon Fisher is reportedly going out of his fucking mind right now imagining all the fucked up shit that…
May 1, 2021 Even Man Sucked Into Computer Unsure What Blockchain Is Even Man Sucked Into Computer Unsure What Blockchain Is THE GRID — Programmer Timothy Beck is reportedly still uncertain about the concept of the blockchain, despite recently getting trapped in a digital world inside…
January 10, 2021 Opinion: We Must Redistribute the Banana Wealth in This Donkey Kong Country Opinion: We Must Redistribute the Banana Wealth in This Donkey Kong Country Fellow citizens, let me ask you a question: how many bananas do you have in your possession right now? Do you feel that you have…
January 5, 2021 Professor Byleth Struggles to Teach Wyvern Riding Class Remotely Professor Byleth Struggles to Teach Wyvern Riding Class Remotely GARREG MACH — Officers Academy professor Byleth expressed frustration today at the continued restrictions on in-person instruction for their Wyvern Riding class. “I completely understand…
October 12, 2020 Tony Stark Announces Plan to Reverse Climate Change with Big Honkin’ Laser Tony Stark Announces Plan to Reverse Climate Change with Big Honkin’ Laser NEW YORK — Billionaire industrialist Tony Stark announced a proposal today that would solve the ongoing climate crisis by shooting a big ol’ honkin’ laser…
October 8, 2020 Opinion: It Is Literally Impossible for Me to Be the Impostor Opinion: It Is Literally Impossible for Me to Be the Impostor Okay, first off, I don’t even know why we’re having this Emergency Meeting. Don’t get me wrong, Yellow’s death is a tragedy, and we’re all…
