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Opinion: We Must Redistribute the Banana Wealth in This Donkey Kong Country


column, country, donkey kong, king k rool, nintendo, opinion, rare

Fellow citizens, let me ask you a question: how many bananas do you have in your possession right now? Do you feel that you have enough to prepare you for an unexpekted emergency? Like so many of you, I struggle to survive on my own meager allowance. Meanwhile, the Kong family elite have millions of bananas lying around in a kave beneath their house. How is this fair? Why is it that some of us are labeled “villains” just bekause we want to redistribute these precious banana kommodities? Even if it is seen by some as treasonous, is my firm belief that it is time to rise up and redistribute the banana wealth in this Donkey Kong Country.

The infrastrukture of the DKC is in shambles. How many of our blue kollar workers have to deal with broken mine kart tracks, undependable lights, and burning oil drums on a daily basis? It’s disgraceful to see the working klass struggle while the elite lord over us in their sky-high treehouses, lounging in tire swings and doing one-handed pushups. 

The Kong plutokrats don’t even invest their wealth back into the kommunity. Have you ever seen one of the Kong family pay for an airline ticket, or a speedboat rental, or for the privilege of saving their game? Their unchecked privilege allows them to access these luxuries at no kost while the rest of us struggle to find a single red balloon to help us survive another month. 

Komrades, the time has kome to seize what is rightfully ours. This krumbling banana republik kan stand no more. It’s time to spread our wealth around and use it for projekts that benefit the entire kommunity, like a giant island in the shape of my head that has a laser inside kalled the “Blast-O-Matic.” And even though it will be shaped like my head, it belongs to all of us. And we shall use it to krush these Kong kapitalists once and for all.