November 3, 2020 Animal Crossing Villagers Actually Haven’t Noticed You’ve Been Gone Animal Crossing Villagers Actually Haven’t Noticed You’ve Been Gone DESERTED ISLAND — Villagers on the island you helped populate haven’t noticed your multi-month absence, according to reporters who recently visited. “Steve… Steve. Was he…
September 17, 2020 Man Risks Life for Opportunity to Explain Tenet to Girlfriend Man Risks Life for Opportunity to Explain Tenet to Girlfriend CHICAGO — Cinephile Brad Reznik attended a showing of Tenet, despite dangers associated with the COVID-19 pandemic, for the opportunity to explain the high-concept sci-fi…
September 7, 2020 Opinion: Pikmin 3 Deluxe Re-Release Comes Just in Time to Teach Children the Value of Mass Sacrifice Opinion: Pikmin 3 Deluxe Re-Release Comes Just in Time to Teach Children the Value of Mass Sacrifice Our nation’s schools are facing a crisis — not a crisis of health, but a crisis of fear. Parents, misinformed by the liberal media, seem…
May 26, 2020 Millennial Shares How He Paid Off Home Loan by Scrimping, Saving, and Being Tom Nook’s Adopted Son Timmy Millennial Shares How He Paid Off Home Loan by Scrimping, Saving, and Being Tom Nook’s Adopted Son Timmy Much has been said about millennials’ financial struggles. Many drown in debt while doing little more than hanging out on the beach, hanging out with…
April 18, 2020 Eeek! A Bug’s Life. What a Wretched Film Eeek! A Bug’s Life. What a Wretched Film Eeek! You wish to know about A Bug’s Life? What a wretched film. Such horror. Repugnance! Good heavens. Watching it, I struggle to maintain my…
March 7, 2020 D&D Player Argues Their Roll Still Counts After Die Goes Through Rube Goldberg Machine D&D Player Argues Their Roll Still Counts After Die Goes Through Rube Goldberg Machine CHICAGO — Dungeons & Dragons player Joanna Bateman claimed her natural 20 should be recognized even though the die went through a Rube Goldberg machine…
February 15, 2020 Yoshi Becomes Proud Parent of Person They Just Ate Yoshi Becomes Proud Parent of Person They Just Ate YOSHI’S ISLAND — Beloved dinosaur and Super Smash Bros. fighter Yoshi became the proud parent of Captain Falcon seconds after consuming him, sources say, lending…
January 11, 2020 Nation Not Sure Normal-Type Candidate Even Worth Catching Nation Not Sure Normal-Type Candidate Even Worth Catching CEDAR RAPIDS, Mich. — After months of deliberation during a contentious Democratic primary, voters are beginning to wonder whether a Normal-type Presidential candidate is even…
December 14, 2019 Smash Bros Purist Won’t Even Use Items in Bedroom Smash Bros Purist Won’t Even Use Items in Bedroom CHICAGO — Competitive Super Smash Bros. player Greg Bradley holds true to his principles beyond the game, refusing to use items in the bedroom, sources…
