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animal crossing, new horizons, nintendo, switch, villagers

DESERTED ISLAND — Villagers on the island you helped populate haven’t noticed your multi-month absence, according to reporters who recently visited.

“Steve… Steve. Was he one of the penguins?” asked Scoot between jumping jacks. “Oh, Steve, the guy who made the store! I remember him. Man, have things changed. Does Steve still live here, zip zoom?

Scoot was not alone. The majority of the island inhabitants had trouble remembering when they last saw you, if they recalled you at all.

“You know, life moves on. Flowers keep blooming. Fruit keeps growing. Waves keep crashing. We all thought Steve was just staying in more or something,” said Marshal while puffing on a hand-rolled cigarette. “I mean, it made sense—he had the biggest house on the island. Then weeds started growing around his mansion, and we thought maybe he got lazy. And then we stopped thinking of him at all, sulky.”

When you arrived on the island, you unwittingly assisted Tom Nook in seizing absolute economic power. Since you’ve been away, the residents have restructured their society to be more equitable.

“Some months back, we held an island meeting and decided our system wasn’t just. We voted to convert Nook’s Cranny into a co-op, we outlawed Tom Nook’s loans, and we seized the land for the community, foxtrot,” said Audie. “Now we spend so little time working and so much time drinking mojitos by the beach that anything in the ‘before times,’ as we say, doesn’t seem real.”

There was one villager who remembered you with clarity, though.

“Of course I remember Steve, crisp!” said Raymond. “Guy bought me for $50 on eBay and then ghosted. Now the commies have taken over.”

“This is my hell!” screamed Raymond as he fired off a desperate networking email.

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