December 16, 2021 Gentlemanly Speedrunner Slows Down ‘Super Metroid’ Run So Samus Doesn’t Have to Take Off Her Suit If She Doesn’t Want To Gentlemanly Speedrunner Slows Down ‘Super Metroid’ Run So Samus Doesn’t Have to Take Off Her Suit If She Doesn’t Want To TEMPE, Ariz. — Local speedrunner and distinguished gentleman Jonathan Rudgers has sparked controversy for deliberately slowing down a WR-pace Super Metroid run so that Samus…
November 10, 2021 6 Fictional Weapons that Suck Ass Compared to the Remote from ‘Click’ 6 Fictional Weapons that Suck Ass Compared to the Remote from ‘Click’ Ever since Mary Shelley published Frankenstein in 1818, science fiction has pushed human imagination to its limit, helping us understand our world with imaginative new…
October 23, 2021 Gamer Successfully Loots 7-Eleven After Placing Bucket on Cashier’s Head Gamer Successfully Loots 7-Eleven After Placing Bucket on Cashier’s Head BAKERSFIELD, Calif. — Local gamer Shayna Wallis reportedly looted a 7-Eleven after placing a large bucket on the cashier’s head and just taking everything, according…
August 21, 2021 Uninsured Neo Can’t Afford Red or Blue Pill Uninsured Neo Can’t Afford Red or Blue Pill CHICAGO — Uninsured computer programmer Thomas A. Anderson, known eponymously as Neo, has been prohibited from making a decision between two life-altering pharmaceutical oral dosages…
August 10, 2021 Riverwood Trader Announces Double Reward Points When You Pre-Order 10 or More Cheese Wheels and Enter Code ‘FUSRO’ at Checkout Riverwood Trader Announces Double Reward Points When You Pre-Order 10 or More Cheese Wheels and Enter Code ‘FUSRO’ at Checkout RIVERWOOD, W.H. — Local general goods store Riverwood Trader has announced that all customers will earn double reward points by using the special code ‘FUSRO’…
July 19, 2021 Brave: This 25-Year Old Man Is Not Afraid to Admit That Minecraft Is a Little Scary Sometimes Brave: This 25-Year Old Man Is Not Afraid to Admit That Minecraft Is a Little Scary Sometimes NESQUEHONING, Pa. — Local man Gavin Trujillo has inspired friends and family after publicly admitting that Minecraft can be “a little scary sometimes.” “I’m not…
July 8, 2021 Disciple Feels Like Jesus Could Have at Least Sealed Away His Power in Some Kind of Sword or Something Disciple Feels Like Jesus Could Have at Least Sealed Away His Power in Some Kind of Sword or Something JERUSALEM — Local unemployed man and follower of Jesus of Nazareth, Thomas the Apostle, revealed his disappointment following the crucifixion of his leader this past…
June 19, 2021 CEO Reminds Shareholders Pride Month Extremely Valuable for LGTV Community CEO Reminds Shareholders Pride Month Extremely Valuable for LGTV Community ENGLEWOOD CLIFFS, N.J. — Thomas Yoon, President and CEO of LG Electronics North America, revealed in a Q2 shareholder briefing that the month of June…
April 9, 2021 Local Basketball Coach Arrested After Feeding Opposing Star Player Chocolate Local Basketball Coach Arrested After Feeding Opposing Star Player Chocolate FERNFIELD, Wash. — Stephen Cobbs, coach of the Spokane Warriors junior high basketball team, has been arrested after killing Fernfield Timberwolves’ star player, Air ‘Buddy’…
