SALT LAKE CITY — The collective little cousins of the United States announced a formal inquiry into what games you got on your phone, as families across the nation gathered together to celebrate the winter holiday season with feasts and gifts.
“While the move by these small, distant relatives may have been sudden, their investigation is not coming out of nowhere,” said family friend and cousin expert, your uncle Steve. “On the heels of a pre-lunch debate about the recent impeachment vote started by your dad with little regard for the comfort of everybody in the room, it was clear that many of the little cousins were becoming bored and annoyed by the grown-ups.”
“It was only a matter of time before they sought out the means to ignore all social boundaries and focus their attention on a few rounds of Fortnite on your smartphone.”
Despite best efforts to keep the contents of your phone hidden from the persistent cousins, analysts say they have no plans to cease investigations.
“I saw you tweet about the Animal Crossing phone game,” said one cousin whose name you can’t remember but it might be Jacob. “I know you’ve got at least one game on your phone and I just wanna see what else there is because my mom took away my iPad after I got a C in English class.”
At press time, Jacob(?) was congregating with the rest of the cousins to tell them you relented as you quickly deleted every game on your phone and wiped your browser history.
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