CAMBRIDGE, Mass. — Duke University mathematics professor Richard Hardens shocked and awed the academic world today by publishing his incredibly horny, but accurate proof, finally proving that 8=D.
“For decades, we had been trying to prove C=B, but the variables just weren’t adding up,” Hardens explained. “By proving 8=D, we have opened the door for new kinds of science and technology that could usher in a new era for humanity. I’m both excited and aroused at all the advancements we are going to make with this new information.”
According to the United States Department of Education, the 8=D proof will appear in every child’s mathematics textbook in the country by 2022, either printed as chapters or drawn in by aspiring mathematicians in the margins.
“I don’t even think this is close to the end for this project,” Hardens continued. “I think we have a long hard road ahead of us, figuring just how versatile this proof is. We’ve already quickly proven 8==D and 8===D, and it’s looking incredibly likely that the equation will work for an infinite number of equal signs. If true, that would have a tremendous number of applications in the real world. Honestly, we’re all just oozing with excitement.”
At press time, the Duke University team was reportedly working on a new paper, after shocking the math world once more with their discovery that one can enter number 5318008 into a calculator and flip it upside down.
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