REDMOND, Wash. — Samsung Galaxy S9 owner Keith Anderson was added to what was previously an iMessage group chat last night. According to close sources, he “better be literally the funniest human being to ever walk the planet,” if he wants to remain in the closely guarded chat.
“I better be laughing from the moment I pick up my phone in the morning until the moment I put it down again at night with this green-bubble-having, blurry-image-sending motherfucker,” demanded longtime group chat member Connor Smith according to those familiar with the situation. “We’re talking constant entertainment: the best links, dankest memes, hottest roasts. Nothing less than a group chat George Carlin will suffice for this incompatible bullshit.”
The addition of an Android user to an all-iPhone group chat initiates a wide array of changes, including the removal of Wi-Fi messaging, reduced support for emojis and GIFs, SMS character limits, and a different color scheme, among other tweaks.
“This had better be worth it,” said Shea Greene, who recently met Anderson through an amateur soccer league and reluctantly added him to the group chat. “I warned him that I’m putting my ass on the line here, so he better have some fire lined up right off the bat. A good first meme, at the very least, plus some funny clapbacks when they roast him about the green bubbles.”
When group chat members pressed him to account for his controversial Samsung usage, Anderson offered a lengthy reply cut up into a series of SMS messages.
“The Galaxy S9 has a real edge-to-edge screen unlike y’all and your overpriced iPhones, and the processing power and customizable UI give me a way better user experience compared to th[1/5],” Anderson explained, and went on to point out that Steve Jobs didn’t even know how to code. He then demanded that everybody download WhatsApp like the rest of the world.
“Shit,” Greene said after reading the series of texts. “I’ve made a terrible mistake.”