July 9, 2020 Termina Resident Convinced Giant, Ominous Moon a Liberal Hoax Termina Resident Convinced Giant, Ominous Moon a Liberal Hoax CLOCK TOWN — A Termina citizen took to the streets yesterday to denounce the large, ominous moon inching ever closer to the city as “a…
July 1, 2020 Young Link Shaken After Seeing What a Loser Virgin He Grows Up to Be Young Link Shaken After Seeing What a Loser Virgin He Grows Up to Be HYRULE — Feeling completely shaken after pulling the Master Sword from its pedestal, unlocking the path to the Sacred Realm and traveling seven years into the…
June 16, 2020 Nintendo Leaks Worsen as Hackers Reveal Shigeru Miyamoto’s Entire DNA Sequence Nintendo Leaks Worsen as Hackers Reveal Shigeru Miyamoto’s Entire DNA Sequence KYOTO, Japan — After suffering a string of damaging data breaches and leaked trade secrets such as hardware specs and console operating system code, Nintendo announced…
June 7, 2020 Happy Mask Salesman Immediately Sells Out Entire Stock of N95 Deku Masks Happy Mask Salesman Immediately Sells Out Entire Stock of N95 Deku Masks CLOCK TOWN — Selling out his entire inventory after five minutes of announcing a restock, the Happy Mask Salesman announced to disappointed customers that his N95…
June 1, 2020 Looter Has Zero Regard for Neighbor’s Property Looter Has Zero Regard for Neighbor’s Property HYRULE — A local looter named Link was seen breaking into random buildings, destroying valuable clay pots and stealing the money within, according to concerned…
March 20, 2020 Sephora Launches New Majora’s Mask, Leaving Women Exfoliated and Burdened With Dark Magic Sephora Launches New Majora’s Mask, Leaving Women Exfoliated and Burdened With Dark Magic SEATTLE — Sephora patrons rushed into local stores early Friday for the launch of Majora’s Mask, Nintendo’s limited-time exfoliation product, only to complain days later…
March 12, 2020 Novelty Zelda Wallet Only Holds a Maximum of $99 Novelty Zelda Wallet Only Holds a Maximum of $99 NEW YORK — Upon returning from a shopping trip to the Rockefeller Center Nintendo shop, gaming enthusiast Amy Weiss was dismayed to discover that her…
March 9, 2020 Nintendo Sends DMCA Takedown to Man’s Arm for Triforce Tattoo Nintendo Sends DMCA Takedown to Man’s Arm for Triforce Tattoo ATLANTA — Video game company Nintendo has sent a cease and desist to local fan Denis Fernandez for his Legend of Zelda triforce tattoo, prompting…
July 31, 2019 Opinion: For All His Faults, Ganondorf Was a Patriot and a Man of Principle Opinion: For All His Faults, Ganondorf Was a Patriot and a Man of Principle Ganondorf Dragmire served Hyrule for seven years as it’s king and as we mourn his recent passing, it is important for us to reflect upon…
