March 4, 2021 Man Who Spent 270 Hours Playing Xenoblade Series Relieved it Meant Something Man Who Spent 270 Hours Playing Xenoblade Series Relieved it Meant Something WANTAGH, N.Y. — Local gamer Lawrence Olson has reportedly breathed a sigh of relief following the announcement that the next Super Smash Bros. Ultimate DLC…
February 18, 2021 Initial Probe of Mars Surface Reveals no New Information on Metroid Prime 4 Initial Probe of Mars Surface Reveals no New Information on Metroid Prime 4 WASHINGTON — NASA’s Perseverance rover has landed on Mars and reportedly discovered no new information about Nintendo’s upcoming video game, Metroid Prime 4. “Oh man,…
February 17, 2021 Fans Rage After Learning Post Malone’s Pokémon Concert Won’t Contain All His Songs Fans Rage After Learning Post Malone’s Pokémon Concert Won’t Contain All His Songs REDMOND, Wash. — The Pokémon Company has stirred controversy after revealing the upcoming concert celebrating the franchise’s 25th Anniversary will not contain every song Post…
February 6, 2021 Nintendo: Mario Will No Longer Come Back to Life Starting Next Week Nintendo: Mario Will No Longer Come Back to Life Starting Next Week KYOTO, Japan — A Nintendo press release has revealed that after decades of work as video games’ most iconic mascot, Mario will soon be dead…
January 10, 2021 No One at Mario’s High School Reunion Sure What He’s Talking About No One at Mario’s High School Reunion Sure What He’s Talking About GREAT NECK, N.Y. — Plumber, adventurer, and class of 1985 graduate Mario Mario reportedly confused the majority of his graduating class as he told old…
January 10, 2021 Opinion: We Must Redistribute the Banana Wealth in This Donkey Kong Country Opinion: We Must Redistribute the Banana Wealth in This Donkey Kong Country Fellow citizens, let me ask you a question: how many bananas do you have in your possession right now? Do you feel that you have…
January 9, 2021 Inconsiderate Friend Doesn’t Spoiler Tag That Princess Peach Isn’t Actually in Castle Inconsiderate Friend Doesn’t Spoiler Tag That Princess Peach Isn’t Actually in Castle SPOKANE, Wash. — Discord user Michael McNeil drew the ire of a Mario fan server after failing to use spoiler tags when revealing that Princess…
January 8, 2021 Kart Racer Just Wanted to See If It Would Let Him Go Over There Kart Racer Just Wanted to See If It Would Let Him Go Over There ROYAL RACEWAY — A kart driver at the Royal Raceway Grand Prix was accused of trespassing on the grounds of Princess Peach’s Castle this morning,…
January 5, 2021 Professor Byleth Struggles to Teach Wyvern Riding Class Remotely Professor Byleth Struggles to Teach Wyvern Riding Class Remotely GARREG MACH — Officers Academy professor Byleth expressed frustration today at the continued restrictions on in-person instruction for their Wyvern Riding class. “I completely understand…
