April 12, 2021 Teammate With One Damage Uses Max Health Potion Teammate With One Damage Uses Max Health Potion TAMPA, Fla. — Local gamer Scott Porter faced condemnation from teammates for drinking a Max Health potion when he only had one damage and could…
July 23, 2020 Valorant Player a Disappointment to All His Friends in Real Life Too Valorant Player a Disappointment to All His Friends in Real Life Too GREENSBORO, N.C. — Local gamer Harry Olsen continues to frustrate his friends with a total lack of awareness and poor decision-making both in Riot Games’…
May 24, 2020 And When There Was Only One Set of Kills in Duos, That Was When I Carried You And When There Was Only One Set of Kills in Duos, That Was When I Carried You One night I dreamed a team. As I was walking along the storage town with my Lord, Across the dark sky flashed incoming players from…
March 29, 2020 Christian Mothers Agree It’s Actually Pretty Neat How ‘Doom Eternal’ Updated Its Combat System to Discourage Camping Christian Mothers Agree It’s Actually Pretty Neat How ‘Doom Eternal’ Updated Its Combat System to Discourage Camping SHEBOYGAN, Wisc. — In an impromptu meeting reacting to the release of the latest game in the controversial Satanic-themed first-person shooter franchise, a coalition of…
March 14, 2020 Woman Worried to Find Room Full of Ammo and Health Before Performance Review Woman Worried to Find Room Full of Ammo and Health Before Performance Review LANSING, Mich. — Due to her familiarity with the visual indicators that a major boss battle was about to unfold, junior accountant Megan Williams was…
March 1, 2019 Marine Throws Away Magazine With 29/30 Bullets Just In Case Marine Throws Away Magazine With 29/30 Bullets Just In Case KABUL, Afghanistan — Journalists embedded with a U.S. Marine unit in Afghanistan have recently uncovered millions of dollars in wasteful military spending due to excessive…
September 9, 2018 Quiz: How The Fuck Did That Hit Me!? Quiz: How The Fuck Did That Hit Me!? God-fucking-dammit. Here I am playing Overwatch and trying to carry my dumbass team to victory. Or at least I would be if I didn’t keep…
July 19, 2018 Grandpa’s Kill/Death Ratio Shifts to 0:1 Grandpa’s Kill/Death Ratio Shifts to 0:1 SEATTLE — Local grandfather Herbert Schumeister’s 93-year-long kill/death ratio shifted from 0:0 to 0:1 today, following his death from natural causes. “Grandpa Herb was such…
May 8, 2018 Guy Who Can Tell Difference Between 60 and 100 FPS Lies About Other Stuff Too Guy Who Can Tell Difference Between 60 and 100 FPS Lies About Other Stuff Too FERNDALE, Wash. — At a recent LAN party, local PC gamer and prolific liar Chris Hartigan incorrectly suggested he could tell the difference between 60…
