March 3, 2019 Character Not Overweight, Just Big-Hitboxed Character Not Overweight, Just Big-Hitboxed KINGS CANYON — Apex Legend Makoa Gibraltar addressed his oft-criticized physique, insisting he’s actually “not overweight at all,” but simply “big-hitboxed,” following countless matches…
March 2, 2019 Last Fallout 76 Player Excited to Finally Have a New Single Player Fallout Game Last Fallout 76 Player Excited to Finally Have a New Single Player Fallout Game GLENDALE, Ariz. — As of this morning, local gamer Mark Rowan is reportedly now the final active player remaining in the Bethesda online video game…
March 1, 2019 Marine Throws Away Magazine With 29/30 Bullets Just In Case Marine Throws Away Magazine With 29/30 Bullets Just In Case KABUL, Afghanistan — Journalists embedded with a U.S. Marine unit in Afghanistan have recently uncovered millions of dollars in wasteful military spending due to excessive…
March 1, 2019 Revolutionary Indie Dev Designs Platformer Where You Go Left Revolutionary Indie Dev Designs Platformer Where You Go Left ALBERTA — Studio Hugh? released their first game today, a groundbreaking platformer where, instead of going to the right, you go left. “Wrong is a…
February 28, 2019 Opinion: Missile Upgrade Better Be Worth All This Bullshit Opinion: Missile Upgrade Better Be Worth All This Bullshit It’s been a week now that I’ve been stranded here on planet QV9978 and I’m up to my eyeballs in bullshit. Supplies are running low,…
February 28, 2019 Modern Day Sisyphus Doomed to Grind in Destiny 2 Forever Modern Day Sisyphus Doomed to Grind in Destiny 2 Forever GROTON, Conn. — In a sisyphean twist of fate, local man Nick Andino purchased Destiny 2: Forsaken, and now must grind through its myriad progression…
February 27, 2019 Cohen Reveals Trump Gave Order to Cut Melee From EVO Cohen Reveals Trump Gave Order to Cut Melee From EVO WASHINGTON — While testifying in front of the House Oversight Committee, President Trump’s former attorney Michael Cohen revealed that it was Trump himself who issued…
February 27, 2019 Donald Trump SWATs Michael Cohen Hearing Donald Trump SWATs Michael Cohen Hearing WASHINGTON — The Congressional Testimony of President Trump’s former lawyer Michael Cohen was dramatically interrupted by a SWAT unit who reportedly received a call by…
February 27, 2019 Nintendo Immediately Cancels Pokémon: Let’s Go, Jynx! Amid Widespread Controversy Nintendo Immediately Cancels Pokémon: Let’s Go, Jynx! Amid Widespread Controversy KYOTO, Japan — Nintendo has cancelled their new title Pokemon Let’s Go, Jynx! mere moments after announcing the game during a Pokémon Direct broadcast earlier…