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River City Police Finally Take Down High Profile Girlfriend Kidnapping Ring


RIVER CITY — Local police believe they have finally thwarted the crime ring that has seen dozens of local high school girlfriends get kidnapped over the last several decades. 

“This is it, the big one,” said the River City Police Chief. “These sick fucks have been pretty much doing whatever they want in our streets for as long as I worked here, and it’s so nice to finally bring these punks to justice. Hopefully, these kids can have a homecoming dance that doesn’t feel like half a funeral. I think that’d be really nice for them.” 

The kidnapping ring has been active for years, with a particularly active period in the late ’80s and early ’90s. While their motives still remain somewhat unclear, their tactics have remained the same for decades. 

“I’ve seen it go down a hundred times,” said a local owner of a karate bookstore. “Some guy and a girl having a nice time, next thing you know eight punks are grabbing the girl and beating the guy with chains and tires. Then they go hide out with the girl for a while and eventually let her go back. It’s definitely criminal, and not at all appropriate, but thank god they don’t ever really do anything with these women. I think maybe they just don’t know how to talk to girls.”

Shortly after being apprehended and arrested for the most recent kidnapping, Lucky, the head of the River Street Posse, swore he was just being misunderstood. 

“That wasn’t Alex’s girlfriend, see?” said Lucky. “That was mine, yeah, that’s right. My girlfriend. You guys got no case, no way this will stick. She was only on the top floor of that empty warehouse with me because she wanted to be up there with me, ya understand?” 

As of press time, Lucky’s second in command had broken in, single-handedly beat up four dozen police officers, and helped him escape.