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Disney Announces Fuck It, They’re Just Gonna Make ‘A New Hope’ a Third Time


LOS ANGELES — Following low viewership for its series The Book of Boba Fett, Disney announced today that they’re just going to say “fuck it” and remake the original Star Wars movie again.

“Whenever we feel like we’re backed into a corner, we know that we can just pull out ole trusty: making A New Hope again. We did it with The Force Awakens and we’re gonna do it again. Script’s already done, it was written in the ’70s,” explained Lucasfilm president Kathleen Kennedy. “We’ve been testing the waters a bit and people seem to only care about our new stuff when we shove CGI Young Luke Skywalker into an episode, and he looks creepy as hell like that, so if anything, it just proves how hungry everyone is to watch A New Hope again. So that’s what we’re going to do. No more Boba Fett, no more anime cartoons, no more Obi Wan show… let’s give the people what they want: the Empire built a Death Star and there’s a young hopeful loser who might have the Force.”

Star Wars fans have lit up online, excited about the news.

“At first I was kind of annoyed, but then I realized that The Force Awakens was the last time I enjoyed a Star Wars movie. So I dunno, I guess I’m excited what kind of Death Star they make this time,” said sci-fi fan Jeffrey Bull. “I was thinking that my dream wish for a Star Wars movie would be something about Darth Vader, but then I remembered that they already made like six of those. The Star Wars movies just haven’t been working for me ever since they stopped remaking A New Hope. Hell, even yelling at the actors on Instagram until they delete their accounts hasn’t given me quite the rush it used to. So, ultimately, I’m just happy to see them return to their root. No, I didn’t mean roots.”

The new film, tentatively titled An Old Hope, is set to begin filming later this year and release in 2023. So far, no casting news has been released for living actors, but Disney has released the full cast of dead actors, which includes the CGI likeness of stars like Carrie Fisher, Peter Cushing, and Harrison Ford, who is not dead, but has threatened to kill himself if they make him appear on set.