JERUSALEM — Biblical icon King Solomon has offered to rectify a dispute between SONY and Marvel by offering to cut Spider-Man star Tom Holland in half and dividing him amongst the companies equally.
“I will solve this dispute once and for all,” Solomon said, sharpening a blade at the red carpet premiere for Spider-Man: No Way Home. “Since neither corporation can determine who is the rightful owner of this child, I shall grant one end to each company. Furthermore, whoever receives the top half also has to take Andrew Garfield. That’s only fair. ”
A distraught Tom Holland gave his side of the dispute to reporters at the premiere.
“There’s nothing in my contract that prevents this, so I really hope they figure this out soon,” Holland said. I don’t want to be Spider-Man forever, but I would like to remain with my legs attached to my body for at least five more years. Please! It’s going to be so hard to explain in-universe why Peter Parker is now just a torso! Especially for SONY, God did you see those movies?”
Marvel Spokesperson Avi Arad announced that the company has no intentions of splitting Tom Holland in two.
“After much consideration, Marvel has decided it would be best to keep Mr. Holland alive,” Arad said. “We don’t understand why SONY would try to steal our child like this, but we couldn’t have a Biblical ruler cut him up with a sword. Not for any ethical reason, but it’s just bad business to not chop people in half, and how badly do we need this guy? We can make a few hundred million bucks with a talking tree for Christ’s sake.”
At press time, SONY had yet to reject this deal, with a spokesman only requesting that if he be cut in half, they receive “the half with his face.”