NEW YORK — A new study by Columbia University has revealed that the most played video game of the COVID-19 pandemic is the pornographic ‘Try Not to Cum Challenge.’
“For some reason, we’re spending our time doing a study on what the most played video game of the quarantine is instead of, like, helping out with the pandemic,” said Dr. Marsha Pympworth. “Nonetheless, we are completely unsurprised to reveal that the most played game — which I’m pretty sure is just an advertisement you see while browsing PornHub — is the ‘Try Not to Cum Challenge.’”
According to researchers, many of those who have played the game have reportedly grown bored of their normal masturbation schedule amidst their forced work-from-home status.
“People are spending time at home and that means people are jerking off. That’s a scientific fact,” Dr. Pympworth continued. “And once people have run out of things to jerk off to, they start to challenge themselves. Humans have an inherent competitive spirit — and if they can’t get that out from racing on a track, they’re going to get it out from jerking off and trying not to cum. Work from home has been really weird for me, to say the least.”
The team behind the ‘Try Not to Cum Challenge’ has expressed gratitude that fans are running to the game now as an escape from the pandemic.
“People are trying not to cum. And everyone loves a good challenge,” said Steven Carlos, the developer of ‘The Try Not to Cum Challenge.’ “I’m just excited that people are finally checking it out. As an indie game developer, that means the world to me. A lot of people see the Challenge, as I call it, as just some porn thing. Personally, I see it as a soulsborne game. It’s the kind of game where you just have to pick yourself up no matter how many times you fail and try, try again. Plus, it has an incredibly complicated lore.”
“Even though I made the game, I still haven’t beaten it,” Carlos explained. “Well I’ve beaten it, but not the game. I’ve jerked off a lot, is what I mean.”
Researchers tried to contact the lowest score on the leaderboard, but comedian Louis CK was not available for comment.