TOKYO, Japan — A new investigative report released today reveals that the monthly PlayStation Plus free games for the PlayStation 4 are decided upon after Sony goes through one player’s recent purchase history to find the most statistically frustrating ones.
According to the report, Sony targets one specific player, Tyler Smirkle, who they want to “fuck with” by finding the most recent major game they paid full price for and releasing it for free within days of the purchase.
“Before this was looked into, we had no idea why Sony would pick a particular game to be available as a free download. Now we know that one specific player recently bought a digital download of Mad Max in the last few weeks of March and that Sony was well aware,” said Robert Schneider who led the investigation into Sony’s practices.
“What made me want to look into this? Take a wild guess,” Schneider added before motioning to a recently purchased copy of Bloodborne.
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The investigation came to a close when a source from inside Sony recording damning quotes from top employees saying things including “Wouldn’t it be funny as fuck if we totally screwed over this douche Tyler? Let’s go see what the last game he bought is,” and “Yo Tyler is such a pussy [laughter]. His parents got him a PS Vita for Christmas and he just bought fucking Q*Bert Rebooted for full price.”
“I want to be very clear when I respond to these deeply damaging allegations: the decision to make video games available for free does not impact us financially at all. Neither does targeting players we don’t like and going into their recent purchase history. We just think it’s really funny to piss off a few try-hards,” said Sony CEO John Kodera at a press conference. “Don’t like it? Have fun playing Forza and Call of Duty: Space Soldier or whatever the fuck they’re calling the next mediocre Halo game.”
At press time, Sony announced that the free PlayStation Plus download for May would just be a video of high-level employees laughing at desperate tweets begging for cross-platform play in Fortnite.
Article by Jeremy Kaplowitz @jeremysmiles
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