DONKEY KONG ISLAND — The price of a wooden barrel containing Diddy Kong, beloved friend and sidekick of Donkey Kong, has plummeted to an all time low, sources across Kongo Jungle are reporting.
“Whoa, they can’t give that little dude away right now!” exclaimed local small business owner Funky Kong, who has had to temporarily close his travel agency, Funky’s Flights, due to the COVID-19 pandemic. “These are gnarly times, and it may be awhile before we know how truly bogus the effects of this Coronavirus are. I’m not sure this bodes well for the future of the economy, dudes!”
Long a principle export of the island, recent work stoppages and public health measures have contributed to the price of a barrel with Diddy Kong stuffed inside of it dropping to under a single banana for the first time since the product was introduced in 1994, causing the giant factories of Kremkroc Industries to start to question their once certain future.
“Frankly, DK has been in his house playing the drums for a month and so no one has been out here smashing these things,” said Dumb Drum, a sentinent barrel of oil who works as a foreman at one of several factories being affected. “So now we’re backed up and we’re paying to store the extras, which means we’re actually taking a loss on this shit. Wasn’t long ago K. Rool’s army was dying for these barrels!”
As of press time, Cranky Kong was making news of his own by publicly protesting the islandwide quarantine conditions put in place and hosting a rally atop the iconic rafters from the original Donkey Kong title.
Listen to the newest episode of our podcast, The Ace Watkins Presidential Hour: