VATICAN CITY — A spokesman from the Vatican announced today that Pope Francis would be holding this today’s Easter Vigil Mass exclusively in the video game Fortnite.
“The decision was made by His Holiness in an effort to allow people all over the world to celebrate the resurrection of Jesus Christ. It’s also a chance to reach a much younger, largely unsupervised generation,” said Cardinal Saveria Corsetti, briefly stopping the press conference to consult with advisors. “I’m being told some of the children may, in fact, be supervised by parents and relatives. Good to know, good to know.”
The announcement was only the latest in a series of major events, hosting everyone from Thanos and the Mandalorian to Travis Scott and Neymar Jr.
“Drop into Fortnite today to see the big guy himself — that’s right, the Bishop of Rome, Vicar of Jesus Christ, Successor of the Prince of the Apostles, Supreme Pontiff of the Universal Church, Patriarch of the West, Primate of Italy, you know him, you love him, the Pope, y’all,” said a media representative for Epic Games. “We’re also changing health kits and shield potions into bread and wine, and of course, making the King of Nazareth himself available as a skin for purchase as well as other cosmetic upgrades such a crucifix glider, a Dark Judas skin, and a Spear of Destiny pickaxe. Plus some surprises, of course.”
Epic also revealed that Travis Scott will make an appearance as a musical guest during the Easter Vigil. Due to some rules, it is rumored that Scott will be ordained as a bishop in order to appear on stage with the Pope. When pressed for comment, the Vatican did not deny it.
“Look, when you sign an exclusivity deal, you’re always going to hand over some concessions. You do what you have to do. It’s the nature of the business,” said Cardinal Corsetti. “Plus, you have to hope his inclusion will bring in more viewers.”
In a later statement, Epic promised that people of all denominations would be welcome to the event, “except of course for Apple users.”