JACKSONVILLE, Fla. — Local gamer Steven Chen reportedly held up a d10 when asked to roll 8d8 necrotic damage, despite playing a level 16 warlock for over a year of weekly D&D sessions.
“Seriously?” asked dungeon master Leo Clark. “I don’t see how you can play a game for so long and still be completely oblivious to the most basic mechanics. He’s been doing this since the first time he cast Chill Touch at level 1. It’s a d8. It has 8 sides. Just count them.”
“How can a d8 have a 9 on it?!” Clark added.
The same sentiments were echoed by other players in the D&D group, none of which struggled to accept a staple of their friend group could be such a simpleton.
“I’m almost ashamed to be married to him,” said Amber Belmont. “I started playing D&D a couple weeks ago to spend more time with Steven and even I can tell a d8 from a d10. He doesn’t even grab a d6 half the time he’s asked to. That’s the one die everyone knows! How do you screw that up? I’ve spent our entire relationship believing him to be an intelligent, clever person. Maybe I was wrong.”
While Chen’s friends and family lamented their fate of having to play D&D with a “dipstick,” Chen failed to grasp the gravity of the situation.
“I thought they were joking around at first,” said Chen. “But it seems like everyone is taking this super seriously. What am I supposed to do? Just remember that it’s the blob-shaped one? They’re all blob-shaped!”
At press time, Chen’s friends purchased him a set of different-colored dice to help him differentiate between them, but the situation became tense once again when Clark said, “roll the green die” and Chen picked up the blue d10.
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