Tags
LOS ANGELES ā Video game icon and the voice behind Mario, as well as several other Nintendo characters, Charles Martinet announced today that he will be playing the lead role in an upcoming biopic about actor Chris Pratt, seemingly out of spite for Prattās new role in Illuminationās unreleased Mario film.
āNot so funny when it happens to you is it, Mr. Pratt?ā Martinet said in a malicious press conference. āYou think you can just take anything that belongs to me, and Iāll just roll over like a bitch and let you give it to me? Think again, fucker. Martinet is coming after you. Mario was my baby, and you waltz in there with your handsome face and take away what I worked towards for over twenty years. Well Iām coming after you, Mr. Pratt. While youāre in the voice booth talking about Koopas with Jack Black, Iāll be gaining a bunch of weight to play early you and then getting shredded to play current you. Weāll see whoās laughing when you watch me suck face with Anna Farris on 20,000 screens.ā
Pratt returned fire at Martinet, refusing to back down to a challenge.Ā
āBring it on old man, Iāll fuck you up,ā Pratt said. āMy father in law is The Terminator and I played an intergalactic superhero. Iām going to pistol whip your gray-haired ass into the ground before you can say āItās-a Me.ā Iconic voice or not, you think your dumbass Italian accent could get you through Zero Dark Thirty? I didnāt think so. I have God on my side; God watched every single episode of Parks and Rec, motherfucker.ā
āThat being said,ā Pratt added, āIf you could come in to do some voice acting for Wario and Waluigi, that would be great. We just canāt seem to narrow down those voices yet so it would be a big help.ā
At press time, Hollywood insiders worried that Martinetās plan could be foiled by the notion that nobody would ever see a movie about Chris Prattās life.