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Jaded Disney Adult Can’t Imagine Bringing a Child Into This Fucked-up Disney World


LAKE BUENA VISTA, Fla. — Disney World season passholder Dylan Schaeffer, 36, recently bemoaned the state of his favorite theme park, questioning why anyone would, in good conscience, bring a child into it.

“I honestly believe that bringing a child into this Disney World is a deeply cruel and selfish act,” Schaeffer said. “For starters, there’s the overpopulation issue, with hordes of screaming brats making lines longer every year. Then there’s the depletion of our natural resources. Just on my last trip, entire shelves of Funko Pops were stripped bare. This place used to be so beautiful.”

Schaeffer also complained about the exorbitant expense of having children in this Disney World.

“Financially, the decision to reproduce is disastrous,” Schaeffer continued. “By foregoing parenthood, I’ve been able to travel the world via EPCOT and spoil myself with world-class cuisine. Seriously, they know my name at Be Our Guest Restaurant. It’s time we faced reality and admitted that Disney World simply isn’t fit for children.”

Schaeffer’s disdain for parenthood was confirmed by longtime friend Nate Heffernan.

“Dylan has been weird since my daughter was born. He’ll text me pictures of himself at Space Mountain and caption it like, ‘Don’t you wish you could still do stuff like this?’ and I’m not sure what point he’s trying to make. He’s been on that ride like 1,000 times,” said Hefferman. “Then again, last time we hung out, he got mad at me for leaving after ‘only 4 hours’ of GoldenEye.”

Schaeffer was last seen asking Elsa if she was familiar with r/childfree.