February 6, 2020 Bruce Willis to Portray Asshole in Upcoming Documentary Bruce Willis to Portray Asshole in Upcoming Documentary LOS ANGELES — Famed thespian and total dickhead Bruce Willis will reportedly appear alongside several other interviewees in Good Fellas and Pretty Women, an upcoming…
February 6, 2020 Grim Reaper Not Sure Who to Take After Thousands Proclaim ‘I Am Kirk Douglas’ Grim Reaper Not Sure Who to Take After Thousands Proclaim ‘I Am Kirk Douglas’ LOS ANGELES — The immortal god of death, the Grim Reaper, is reportedly frustrated with Kirk Douglas fans claiming to be the famed Spartacus actor…
February 5, 2020 R2-D2 Suddenly Remembers a Bunch of Cool Shit It Can Do R2-D2 Suddenly Remembers a Bunch of Cool Shit It Can Do LOTHAL — Just as he and his friends were almost certainly doomed while trying to escape a secret base of the Empire’s they had infiltrated,…
February 4, 2020 Netflix Reportedly Testing New Feature That Just Lets You Say You’ve Seen ‘Ozark’ Netflix Reportedly Testing New Feature That Just Lets You Say You’ve Seen ‘Ozark’ LOS ANGELES — Netflix programmers are reportedly working on a new feature that lets viewers just say they’ve already seen the Jason Batemen-led crime drama…
February 3, 2020 Trolls Fan Suspects DreamWorks Making Troll Dolls Just to Sell Movies Trolls Fan Suspects DreamWorks Making Troll Dolls Just to Sell Movies MINNEAPOLIS — Local doll superfan Charley Cover expressed skepticism about the upcoming Dreamworks film Trolls World Tour, claiming that the entire Trolls movie franchise had…
February 2, 2020 NFL Blitz Simulation Predicts Super Bowl 54 to be Most Violent of All Time NFL Blitz Simulation Predicts Super Bowl 54 to be Most Violent of All Time MIAMI GARDENS, Fla. — A group of analysts have simulated this year’s Super Bowl using NFL Blitz for the Nintendo 64, and they warn that…
January 30, 2020 I Didn’t Spend 50 Years Breastfeeding Baby Yoda for Some Asshole in a Helmet to Get All the Credit I Didn’t Spend 50 Years Breastfeeding Baby Yoda for Some Asshole in a Helmet to Get All the Credit Fifty years is a long time. Almost as long as my nipples after half a century of breastfeeding. Seriously, my poor areolas are as tattered…
January 27, 2020 New Spencer’s Gifts Policy Requires Adults Be Accompanied by a 13-Year-Old New Spencer’s Gifts Policy Requires Adults Be Accompanied by a 13-Year-Old EGG HARBOR TOWNSHIP, N.J. — In a sweeping policy change, popular mall retailer Spencer Gifts announced today all shoppers at their signature Spencer’s stores over…
January 24, 2020 Skynet Sends T-800 Back in Time to Clean Up ‘Terminator’ Timeline Skynet Sends T-800 Back in Time to Clean Up ‘Terminator’ Timeline SAN FRANCISCO, Calif. — Burgeoning telecommunications corporation Skynet has sent one of its T-800 model androids back in time to clean up the continuity of…
