Seth Finkelstein

Guy at Bar Just Itching to Tell Someone About Moon Knight’s Whole Deal

BURBANK, Calif. — Patrons of The Roundabout Bar and Grill were on high alert today, as local man Max Buckler…

3 years ago

Man Settles In to Watch Last 20 Minutes of Avatar on the Big TV at Best Buy

IRVINE, Calif. — Local customer Michael Reeves has reportedly taken a break from shopping for printer ink after noticing the…

3 years ago

Millennial’s Retirement Portfolio Still Has Few Empty Sleeves

EVANSTON, Ill. — 28-year-old bartender Grace Federman reportedly discovered several empty sleeves in her retirement portfolio after going through the…

3 years ago

9-Year-Old Can’t Wait to Find Out What Fucked Up Shit Is in Game Rated E10+

SAN DIEGO, Calif. — Local 9-year-old Simon Fisher is reportedly going out of his fucking mind right now imagining all…

3 years ago

Even Man Sucked Into Computer Unsure What Blockchain Is

THE GRID — Programmer Timothy Beck is reportedly still uncertain about the concept of the blockchain, despite recently getting trapped…

4 years ago

Opinion: We Must Redistribute the Banana Wealth in This Donkey Kong Country

Fellow citizens, let me ask you a question: how many bananas do you have in your possession right now? Do…

4 years ago

Professor Byleth Struggles to Teach Wyvern Riding Class Remotely

GARREG MACH — Officers Academy professor Byleth expressed frustration today at the continued restrictions on in-person instruction for their Wyvern…

4 years ago

Tony Stark Announces Plan to Reverse Climate Change with Big Honkin’ Laser

NEW YORK —  Billionaire industrialist Tony Stark announced a proposal today that would solve the ongoing climate crisis by shooting…

4 years ago

Opinion: It Is Literally Impossible for Me to Be the Impostor

Okay, first off, I don’t even know why we’re having this Emergency Meeting. Don’t get me wrong, Yellow’s death is…

4 years ago