Pat Cavanaugh

Animal Crossing Villagers Actually Haven’t Noticed You’ve Been Gone

DESERTED ISLAND — Villagers on the island you helped populate haven't noticed your multi-month absence, according to reporters who recently…

4 years ago

Man Risks Life for Opportunity to Explain Tenet to Girlfriend

CHICAGO — Cinephile Brad Reznik attended a showing of Tenet, despite dangers associated with the COVID-19 pandemic, for the opportunity…

4 years ago

Opinion: Pikmin 3 Deluxe Re-Release Comes Just in Time to Teach Children the Value of Mass Sacrifice

Our nation’s schools are facing a crisis — not a crisis of health, but a crisis of fear. Parents, misinformed…

4 years ago

Millennial Shares How He Paid Off Home Loan by Scrimping, Saving, and Being Tom Nook’s Adopted Son Timmy

Much has been said about millennials’ financial struggles. Many drown in debt while doing little more than hanging out on…

4 years ago

Eeek! A Bug’s Life. What Wretched Film

Eeek! You wish to know about A Bug's Life? What a wretched film. Such horror. Repugnance! Good heavens. Watching it,…

4 years ago

D&D Player Argues Their Roll Still Counts After Die Goes Through Rube Goldberg Machine

CHICAGO — Dungeons & Dragons player Joanna Bateman claimed her natural 20 should be recognized even though the die went…

4 years ago

Yoshi Becomes Proud Parent of Person They Just Ate

YOSHI’S ISLAND — Beloved dinosaur and Super Smash Bros. fighter Yoshi became the proud parent of Captain Falcon seconds after…

4 years ago

Nation Not Sure Normal-Type Candidate Even Worth Catching

CEDAR RAPIDS, Mich. — After months of deliberation during a contentious Democratic primary, voters are beginning to wonder whether a…

4 years ago

Smash Bros Purist Won’t Even Use Items in Bedroom

CHICAGO — Competitive Super Smash Bros. player Greg Bradley holds true to his principles beyond the game, refusing to use…

4 years ago