December 12, 2021 Hitman Guard Not Sure Why Everybody Is Making Annoying Choking Noises on the Comms Today Hitman Guard Not Sure Why Everybody Is Making Annoying Choking Noises on the Comms Today PARIS — Sources have confirmed that Jean Moreau, head of the security team working the Sanguine fashion show in Paris, had become confused and annoyed…
October 12, 2021 Doctor Recklessly Prescribes Large Health Pack to Man With 98 HP Doctor Recklessly Prescribes Large Health Pack to Man With 98 HP LEAWOOD, Kan. — An irresponsible doctor reportedly wrote local man Dave LaRoix a prescription for a large health pack, even though a physical exam found…
September 22, 2021 Tom Lets Out Weary Sigh After Walking Into Kitchen and Noticing Cheese Grater Isn’t Part of the Matte Painting Tom Lets Out Weary Sigh After Walking Into Kitchen and Noticing Cheese Grater Isn’t Part of the Matte Painting THE HOUSE — Walking into the kitchen and realizing that he would soon be in danger, sources have confirmed that the long-suffering cartoon housecat Tom…
February 10, 2021 Roguelike Genre Purist Hopes Someone Will Develop a Roguelike Someday Roguelike Genre Purist Hopes Someone Will Develop a Roguelike Someday SPOKANE, Wash. — Gamer and self-proclaimed roguelike genre purist Noreen Ramirez, hot off the heels of her tenth no-hit run of the acclaimed roguelite Hades,…
November 14, 2020 Edgar Allan Poe-Themed Fighting Game Locks Fortunato Behind Paywall Edgar Allan Poe-Themed Fighting Game Locks Fortunato Behind Paywall BALTIMORE — An upcoming brawler featuring Edgar Allan Poe characters will launch with the iconic “Cask of Amontillado” wine taster Fortunato gated behind a paywall,…
November 6, 2020 Six-Hour Operation Finally Separates Headphone Cord From Wheel of Office Chair Six-Hour Operation Finally Separates Headphone Cord From Wheel of Office Chair CAYCE, S.C. — After over six hours of tense surgery, an emergency procedure has finally separated local gamer Andrae Webb’s headset cord from the wheel…
August 3, 2020 Guy Who Peaked During Tutorial Never Moves Out of Pallet Town Guy Who Peaked During Tutorial Never Moves Out of Pallet Town KANTO — Local would-be Pokémon trainer Bobby, despite completing his initial training, receiving a Pokédex, and being fully prepared to battle across the Kanto region…
May 28, 2020 How Lewis and Clark Mapped the Louisiana Purchase by Climbing a Real Big Tower How Lewis and Clark Mapped the Louisiana Purchase by Climbing a Real Big Tower HELENA, Mont. — A newly discovered journal of their expedition has revealed that famed American explorers Lewis and Clark apparently mapped the entirety of the…
February 29, 2020 Casual Gamer Can’t Even Beat First Stage of Grief Casual Gamer Can’t Even Beat First Stage of Grief CLARKSVILLE, Tenn. — Twenty-eight year old Liam Glasser, secretly loathed by his friends and loved ones for failing to make meaningful progress in video games,…
