Press "Enter" to skip to content

Casual Gamer Can’t Even Beat First Stage of Grief


gamer, grief, walkthrough

CLARKSVILLE, Tenn. — Twenty-eight year old Liam Glasser, secretly loathed by his friends and loved ones for failing to make meaningful progress in video games, is unable to even overcome the first stage of grieving for his late childhood guinea pig, close sources report.

“Listen, I’m a busy guy, okay?” Glasser said, defending his lack of progress through Denial. “I’ve got important shit to occupy myself worrying about. I’m not like all these no-lifer hardcore grievers who can breeze through the mourning process in a weekend.”

Members of Glasser’s household were able to confirm that the family guinea pig, Twinkles, passed away in the summer of 2003 while Liam was away at a scout retreat.

“It was a real challenge for all of us,” confirmed younger sibling Teagan Glasser, who was six years old at the time. “But, like, a satisfying challenge following a classic Grief curve, with a tough but winnable Acceptance fight at the end to pull it all together.”

According to those familiar with the situation, Glasser made a token effort to overcome Denial, but buckled under any semblance of challenge, lashing out at hobbyist grievers with more skill and experience.

“I don’t need to fully experience the mourning process to feel complete!” he lied. “I’ve heard good things about Anger and Bargaining and Despair, but it’s basically the same if I watch someone else grieve all the way through, or just skip a stage or two and pretend I beat it, right?”

Among those fed up with Glasser’s attitude were friends and community members with exceptional coping skills.

“Glasser’s still chipping away at Denial?” asked former middle school classmate Chuck Breyer between mouthfuls of hot chips. “I pulled off a no-hit three-star Acceptance run, S-rank and no O-O-B, maybe an hour after my wife died. There’s no helping some people.”

At press time, Glasser was seen watching a YouTube walkthrough by TheFuriousGamer on how to get to Anger.

Listen to the newest episode of our podcast, The Ace Watkins Presidential Hour: