David Sitrick

David Sitrick

Worried College Student Calls University Health Services After Roommate Returns With Multiple JRPGsWorried College Student Calls University Health Services After Roommate Returns With Multiple JRPGs

Worried College Student Calls University Health Services After Roommate Returns With Multiple JRPGs

COLUMBIA, Miss. — Noah Marquez, a sophomore at Missouri University, reportedly called the university health center after discovering that his…

4 years ago
Citizens of Rapture Unsure Where to Put Torn Down Andrew Ryan StatueCitizens of Rapture Unsure Where to Put Torn Down Andrew Ryan Statue

Citizens of Rapture Unsure Where to Put Torn Down Andrew Ryan Statue

RAPTURE — Confusion reigned in the underwater metropolis of Rapture today after residents tore down the imposing statue of patriarch…

5 years ago
Luigi Loses Left Eye In Collision With Rubber Bullet BillLuigi Loses Left Eye In Collision With Rubber Bullet Bill

Luigi Loses Left Eye In Collision With Rubber Bullet Bill

NEW DONK CITY — Beloved local hero Luigi was blinded in his left eye at a protest against police brutality…

5 years ago
Delayed U.S. Coronavirus Preorders Finally ShippingDelayed U.S. Coronavirus Preorders Finally Shipping

Delayed U.S. Coronavirus Preorders Finally Shipping

NEW YORK — Pathogen enthusiasts across the United States received good news yesterday, as global health officials announced that delayed…

5 years ago
With Japan Having Just Six Shooting Deaths Last Year, It’s Clear the Solution to Gun Violence Is Tentacle PornWith Japan Having Just Six Shooting Deaths Last Year, It’s Clear the Solution to Gun Violence Is Tentacle Porn

With Japan Having Just Six Shooting Deaths Last Year, It’s Clear the Solution to Gun Violence Is Tentacle Porn

What, do you have any better ideas? If you have access to these life saving videos of Japanese tentacle pornography, please…

6 years ago
Campaign Finishes Three-Year Run Without DMCampaign Finishes Three-Year Run Without DM

Campaign Finishes Three-Year Run Without DM

BELFAST, Ireland – Players of a local fantasy role-playing game expressed relief and exhaustion today after completing their campaign, ending…

6 years ago
Game Informer Announces Plans to Licky Boom Boom DownGame Informer Announces Plans to Licky Boom Boom Down

Game Informer Announces Plans to Licky Boom Boom Down

MINNEAPOLIS — Announcing the surprising news alongside a cover featuring reggae one-hit-wonder Snow of “Informer” fame, monthly gaming magazine Game…

6 years ago
Game Industry Marvels as Employee Leaves Job By ChoiceGame Industry Marvels as Employee Leaves Job By Choice

Game Industry Marvels as Employee Leaves Job By Choice

REDMOND, Wash. — Former employees of Electronic Arts, Blizzard/Activision, Telltale Games, Daybreak Game Company and more marveled in wonder today…

6 years ago
Nintendo Launches Cease & Desist ClassicNintendo Launches Cease & Desist Classic

Nintendo Launches Cease & Desist Classic

REDMOND, Wash. — Nintendo announced today the release of the newest entry in their “Classic” line of retro hardware, the…

7 years ago