February 28, 2021 Archaeologists Uncover First Recorded Tier List in Ancient Rome Archaeologists Uncover First Recorded Tier List in Ancient Rome ROME — After reconstructing an ancient piece of pottery featuring various Roman gladiators categorized by their perceived strength, ability, and matchup spread, a team of…
February 18, 2021 Guy Who Summarizes Pay-Walled Articles in the Comments Nominated for Pulitzer Prize Guy Who Summarizes Pay-Walled Articles in the Comments Nominated for Pulitzer Prize NEW YORK — The Pulitzer Prize Board announced nominations for the 2020 Pulitzer Prize in Public Service, including a surprise nomination for Reddit user johnnyjon66,…
October 14, 2020 New Gender-Inclusive USB Standards Rename Connectors to Dom and Sub New Gender-Inclusive USB Standards Rename Connectors to Dom and Sub BEAVERTON, Ore. — The USB Implementers Forum announced today they would be formally changing the labeling of all USB connectors in order to promote gender…
September 7, 2020 Employees Returning to Work for First Time in Months Discover Office Overrun by Weeds Employees Returning to Work for First Time in Months Discover Office Overrun by Weeds TAMPA, Fla. — Employees returning to the local offices of Seabass Accounting & Tax Services this week were reportedly shocked to discover their cubicles overrun…
August 17, 2020 Police Abduct Enough Protesters to Upgrade Unmarked Van with Cool Flame Skin Police Abduct Enough Protesters to Upgrade Unmarked Van with Cool Flame Skin PORTLAND, Ore. — Police and federal troops have reportedly abducted enough protesters to upgrade their unmarked vans with a variety of cosmetic skins, according to…
July 16, 2020 President Trump Appoints Dr. Goomba Tower as New Head, Head, and Head of COVID-19 Task Force President Trump Appoints Dr. Goomba Tower as New Head, Head, and Head of COVID-19 Task Force WASHINGTON — President Trump announced this morning that he would be naming Dr. Goomba Tower as the new head, head, and head of the COVID-19…
July 16, 2020 Only One Way to Find Out If Start Button Will Pause or Skip Crucial Cutscene Only One Way to Find Out If Start Button Will Pause or Skip Crucial Cutscene TAMPA, Fla. — Local gamer Kristine Rivera reportedly held her bladder for 12 painful minutes last night, unsure if pressing the start button would pause…
May 6, 2020 Gamers Donate Hundreds of Unused Healing Items to Ruth Bader Ginsburg Gamers Donate Hundreds of Unused Healing Items to Ruth Bader Ginsburg WASHINGTON — Gamers across America came together this week to donate hundreds of saved healing items to Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg, who was…
April 8, 2020 Opinion: Bernie Should Have Stayed in the Primary in Case He Won Every Bonus Star Opinion: Bernie Should Have Stayed in the Primary in Case He Won Every Bonus Star Bernie Sanders officially ended his bid for the White House today, ceding the Democratic nomination to former Vice President Joe Biden. Many have been calling…
