December 15, 2021 Starfleet Scanner Detects High Concentration of Plot Hooks on Nearby Planet Starfleet Scanner Detects High Concentration of Plot Hooks on Nearby Planet THE FINAL FRONTIER — A recent scan on an undiscovered planet revealed copious amounts of potential plot points and advancement of storylines on its surface,…
October 5, 2021 New Geneva Convention Adds “Killing AFK Soldiers” as a War Crime New Geneva Convention Adds “Killing AFK Soldiers” as a War Crime GENEVA — A new protocol added to the Geneva Conventions, the international standards for ethical treatment during wartime, will now punish soldiers who deliberately kill…
September 12, 2021 Decrepit Old Man Tells Kids About How the Smiley Face Used to Be a Parenthesis Decrepit Old Man Tells Kids About How the Smiley Face Used to Be a Parenthesis TAMPA, Fla. — Decrepit old man John Cruller, 34, has reportedly been posting on an ancient social media website known as “Facebook,” a platform for…
September 9, 2021 Complete Stranger Wins Big Competition Everyone in Town Cares About Complete Stranger Wins Big Competition Everyone in Town Cares About WAYFIELD FALLS — A total stranger who just got into town has won the Dusky Days Cup, the annual festival that local citizens usually lose…
August 17, 2021 Guy Who Just Bought $250 Arcade Stick Losing Even Harder Now Guy Who Just Bought $250 Arcade Stick Losing Even Harder Now TAMPA, Fla. — Local fighting game player Jake “BanditBoy” Steeler has reportedly lost every single match of Guilty Gear: Strive since upgrading to a high-quality…
August 13, 2021 Kidz Bop to Enter Film Industry With Kid-Safe Remake of ‘Requiem for a Dream’ Kidz Bop to Enter Film Industry With Kid-Safe Remake of ‘Requiem for a Dream’ NEW YORK — Branching out from the increasingly less profitable physical music industry, the Kidz Bop company has announced its transition into cinema, debuting with…
July 20, 2021 Overpowered Child Destroys Balance of Tag Overpowered Child Destroys Balance of Tag GREENVILLE, S.C. — A new addition to the student roster at Franklin Elementary School has completely destroyed the competitive meta of playground tag, according to…
July 3, 2021 Smartphone Neck Cancels Out Years of Wal-Mart GameCube Demo Kiosk Neck Smartphone Neck Cancels Out Years of Wal-Mart GameCube Demo Kiosk Neck TAMPA, Fla. — A new study by a team at the University of South Florida has shown that years of looking down to text on…
April 5, 2021 RUMOR: Applebee’s Set to Unveil New Presto Pro Tableside Tablet With Nvidia DLSS and Raytracing RUMOR: Applebee’s Set to Unveil New Presto Pro Tableside Tablet With Nvidia DLSS and Raytracing GLENDALE Calif. — According to a massive leak from within Applebee’s, the company is preparing to roll out a new “Pro” model of their popular…
