December 9, 2019 Axel Not Sure Why He Keeps Getting 1-Star Ratings From Lyft Riders Axel Not Sure Why He Keeps Getting 1-Star Ratings From Lyft Riders LOS ANGELES — Twisted Metal veteran and part-time Lyft driver Axel doesn’t understand why riders continue to give him one-star ratings, despite his punctuality and…
August 27, 2019 Proud Son Hangs Dad’s Meme on Fridge Proud Son Hangs Dad’s Meme on Fridge ALTOONA, Penn. — Jake Fitzgerald Jr. reportedly hung a printout of his father’s latest meme on the fridge this afternoon as a token of pride…
May 23, 2019 Scrapped Endgame Post-Credits Scene Reveals Capcom Beat the Shit Out of Exhausted Avengers Scrapped Endgame Post-Credits Scene Reveals Capcom Beat the Shit Out of Exhausted Avengers BURBANK, Calif. — A recent leak of production assets from Avengers: Endgame revealed an unused post-credits scene in which Capcom characters assemble and beat the…
October 31, 2018 Freddy Krueger Still Waiting for Teenager Playing Fortnite to Go to Fucking Sleep Freddy Krueger Still Waiting for Teenager Playing Fortnite to Go to Fucking Sleep ELM STREET — Serial killer Freddy Krueger has waited thirty hours for local teenager Michael Thompson to end his Fortnite marathon and “go to fucking…
September 15, 2018 New ‘RPG Maker’ Update Quietly Deletes Program One Week After Install New ‘RPG Maker’ Update Quietly Deletes Program One Week After Install SANTA ANA, Calif. — The latest update to RPG Maker MV will improve the title by quietly deleting it for users a week after installation,…
January 13, 2018 Noam Chomsky’s Commentary Going Over About Just as Well in Phantasy Star IV as in Real Life Noam Chomsky’s Commentary Going Over About Just as Well in Phantasy Star IV as in Real Life MOTAVIA — Renowned linguist and political activist Noam Chomsky has discovered that the people of “Phantasy Star IV” have demonstrated an equally disparaging reaction to…
January 6, 2018 NetherRealm Studios Apologizes for Poorly Timed “Sub-Zero Fatality” Tweet NetherRealm Studios Apologizes for Poorly Timed “Sub-Zero Fatality” Tweet CHICAGO — Mortal Kombat developer NetherRealm Studios issued an apology this morning for a tweet on the company’s official feed that appeared to make light…
November 28, 2017 Dad Says Gateway Computer Is Yours If You Ever Need It Dad Says Gateway Computer Is Yours If You Ever Need It VALLEY STREAM, N.Y. — Suggesting you “could definitely put it to good use,” your dad reminded you this morning that you are “free to take”…
November 26, 2017 Man’s Gamertag Says Pretty Much All You Need to Know About Him Man’s Gamertag Says Pretty Much All You Need to Know About Him PITTSBURGH — Sources close to local gamer Bob Polin confirmed today that the 31-year-old lacks any defining traits or pursuits to the point that his…
