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Zelda Timeline Explained to No One in Particular


FLAGSTAFF, Ariz. — The correct chronological order of the events depicted in The Legend of Zelda series of video games was the subject of a recent explanation that eyewitnesses confirm was given to no one at all, really. 

“That was weird, he kept going on about the different timelines, and I guess I just assumed someone was listening to him,” said Brittany Louis, who was in the Amazing Fantasies comic book store when the unprompted report broke out. “It’s not that I’m not interested in games and lore and all that, but shouldn’t you wait until someone asks you, or maybe the subject’s been brought up, before you start going on and on about the thing? Everyone was kind of looking at each other like, ‘Hey, did you ask this guy about Zelda?’”

Several other witnesses confirmed that at some point they all thought they might’ve been the target of the description of Zelda events. 

“When he started up, I was the closest one around, but I hit the deck and crawled away,” said Jack Connor, a longtime customer of Amazing Fantasies. “I’ve seen this kind of thing before. Once it starts, there’s no slowing it down. It just keeps going, and going. Pretty fucking sick if you ask me. I’m just glad I got out of there before I had to hear his own personal theories on any of it.”

The unhinged explanation lasted until closing time, when employee Jamie Sullivan had to close for the night.

“I went to lock up and found him talking about some Child Timeline bullshit,” said Sullivan. “I figured he was on his phone or something, but no, just over there by the T-shirts going on about Zelda. I said he had to get out of here, that we were closed. I told him it was dangerous out there in the thunderstorm, especially if he was going alone, and then he finally shut up and just started looking at me all freaked out. I gotta find a new job, man.”

As of press time, the mysterious boy from the comic book store had been seen wandering into the woods at the edge of town brandishing a makeshift sword.