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C’mon, tell me I’m a bad company. Oh, I’ve been so bad.

Go on, tweet those before and after pictures of Alex Jones. Label them Nintendo Switch and Nintendo Switch OLED model. Yeah baby, tweet them out just like that. Tell me how you’re never going to buy my Nintendo Switch OLED model, you insatiable little hog. You’re already using the correct terminology.

Mmm, baby…  I love it when you make those baseless claims about antitrust laws. Do you even know what antitrust laws are? Shh, don’t Google them. You don’t need to know. You’re just daddy’s extremely-online marketing strategy. I bet this console violates all sorts of your little made up laws. It’s downright criminal. Are you quivering with rage? Or is that pleasure? 

Keep tweeting, baby. Tell me I’m just like Apple, the most valuable company on earth. It hurts so good. 

That’s right, ask me whether I’m going to sell the white joy cons separately. Concede that they’re “pretty clean,” you thirsty little plastic-guzzler. I’m not going to respond. But baby, just know this: you’ll be able to get them imported from Japan in two years for $159.99. Oh yeah, it’s extremely unreasonable.

I can see that glint in your eyes: you’re reading a CNET article from 2007 about OLED burn-in. C’mon, tag me in a tweet about it. Call it “outdated technology,” you ditsy screen-slut. With every word you type, I know you’re imagining my whopping 7-inches of Breath of the Wild — that’s right, 0.4 more inches than you’ve ever seen. We both know it’s only a matter of time, baby. 

Go ahead and preorder here. You don’t even get anything.