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We Would Love to Let You Read This Article for a Mere 500 Gems


Ah, hello! I see you’ve stumbled across another of the many delightful articles available for perusal on this venerated website. What wonders could lie beyond this introductory paragraph? A piece of embedded media? Perhaps an impassioned op-ed piece on a subject of the day? Certainly a breadth of belly laughs and learning a new thing or two is in store for you — or, at least, it could be, for a mere 500 gems!

Don’t look so surprised! 500 gems is truly a small price to pay for a web-browsing opportunity such as this. I mean really, what else would you possibly purchase with those precious stones? A kangaroo’s freedom? The lowering of a simple drawbridge? All investments are frivolous compared to the unbelievable content that lies behind this nice, sturdy paywall I’ve constructed.

Consider for a moment what it is people like about gems. They’re nothing more than precious, sparkly little nuggets of joy. In that regard, they actually have quite a lot in common with articles on this website, wouldn’t you say? I mean, when you think about it, we’re really just taking your gems and turning them into different kinds of gems. It’s just a barter system, really. It’s simple!

…Look, you seem like a smart person. I’ve managed to maintain your attention for this long, so I know you’re at least more intelligent than that idiot purple dragon. I’ll level with you.

Gems are totally useless. I’m talking worthless. Less than pennies. Your portfolio is going to be way too risk-exposed if you don’t offload those to me right away. What if it affects your credit score? You need a professional like me to show you the smart moves to make in an economy like this. This is the definition of a bear market, and I should know. I’m a bear wearing a tuxedo and a monocle.

Ahem, well, friend, I won’t belabor the point any further. You’ve heard my proposition, and if you’ve read this far without paying, I will just assume you’re a filthy freeloader who hasn’t even collected 500 gems to begin with. If you’re still clutching onto those dull, worthless rocks, at this point, I pity you. And on the off chance that you can afford it but you’re still mulling it over, maybe go take a long walk to clear your head. And pick up some more gems while you’re at it, because there’s another 1000-gem paywall right behind this one.