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Unvaccinated Muscle-Child Going for Glass Cannon Build


MADISCON, Wisc. — 9-year-old muscle child Toby Burrows will reportedly avoid receiving his COVID-19 vaccine in order to achieve a glass cannon build, according to close sources.

“I’m really proud of the workout regimen we’ve been able to get Toby on since the beginning of quarantine — he’s really bulked up in the last year and a half — but I’m so excited for him to unlock all those groovy perks when he levels up into the official glass cannon build by rejecting the COVID-19 vaccine,” explained Burrows’ father and personal trainer, Duane Burrows. “A lot of our friends and family are nervous about the build and think we should just get him the vaccine so he can be a tank, but I already did that with my 11-year-old daughter Clarissa. If you want a well rounded family, you really want to slot at least one of your kids into DPS.”

“Plus, it will save us a ton of money on armor,” Duane Burrows added. “Tanks have to wear all this bulky metal, but little Toby is only allowed to wear robes, in accordance with his build.”

Those close to the Burrows family have become very nervous about the situation. According to those familiar with the situation, Toby’s aunt and Duane’s sister Katelyn Ali has considered contacting the Wisconsin Department of Children and Family.

“I get that people really want to start getting their kids ready for the rest of their lives younger and younger. Hell, I got my son into a prestigious daycare when he was three years old because I heard it can help him get into a better college one day. But Toby’s like definitely gonna die, right?” Ali asked. “And don’t get me wrong, Clarissa looks great. She’s a killer and I’m proud of her. Nothing wrong with going for a tank build! But I think the government should probably step in at this point and at least put baby Toby in a Sunday school class so that he can rank into Paladin and play support.”

Despite criticism, the Burrows family has stayed on track with the glass cannon build. At press time, Toby Burrows had already unlocked a glass cannon perk — a class-exclusive spell that pushes enemies away — after coughing a whole bunch at a Cracker Barrel.