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Uninspired Jason Voorhees Buys Gun


CRYSTAL LAKE — A number of concerned locals have reportedly witnessed famed local murderer Jason Voorhees filling out the appropriate paperwork to purchase a firearm. 

“Oh boy, we’re really fucked if he’s gonna start using a gun,” said Belle Caldwell, who’s lived in Crystal Lake all her life. “But I must say, a lot of us figured this day would come. The legends of Jason Voorhees have lately included him just seeming to sort of be going through the motions. There’s only so many summers you can spend using machetes and whatever pointy shit you find in the barn and still be excited about doing it. He’s probably just trying to shoot everyone real quick and get home. I get that, I really do.” 

Local teenagers are especially concerned about what they perceive to be a higher likelihood of them being slaughtered. 

“Wow, this changes everything,” said Benjamin Kinney, who was considering being a counselor at Camp Crystal Lake. “Everyone knows the deal; if you go out there and work you’ll most likely get laid, but a guy’s gonna try to stab you. You don’t hear a lot about Jason these days because we can mostly stay ahead of him, but if he’s figured out how guns work, well, this kinda changes things.” 

“I’m still gonna go,” he added. “Fuck it.” 

Local historians have suggested that Jason may have grown tired of improvising grisly murders based mostly on the devices he’s discovered around him. 

“Yeah, it’s proven pretty reliable for him over the years,” said Deb Barber, another longtime resident and curator of the small lakeside town’s museum. “But there’s not always gonna be a pitchfork hanging on the wall, you know? Maybe he even just wants it for a backup, like if the person he’s chasing doesn’t trip and fall on the ground. Or like if they don’t stand right in front of the window when he’s trying to grab them. Now he can just shoot them. Man. Maybe it’s time to move away from Crystal Lake finally.” 

As of press time, Voorhees had sailed through the screening process to buy and carry automatic weapons.