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“Ugh, Got Queued Up With Another Round of Bots,” Says Squad Crushing You in FPS


BUFFALO, N.Y. — A local Splitgate squad was reportedly disappointed to be playing against a group of bots while crushing you and your friends, who are actually human players, in a game of Team Deathmatch, according to those familiar with the situation.

“Ugh, I thought this game had a larger playerbase. It sucks so much to be playing against such obvious bots,” said Splitgate player Clifford Charlton while, unbeknownst to him, was actually playing against you and your friends. “If they’re not gonna be able to get real players into the queue, can they at least reprogram that AI to be even OK at the game? These bots have absolutely garbage aim, they just walk in a straight line towards my bullets, and spend half the match just looking around the map, trying to jump on stuff. Ugh, the modern state of online gaming is such trash. I’m not even trying,” he said, killing you for the fifteenth time in a row.”

Despite the other team thinking you’re AI players, your teammates have stayed positive, lulling themselves into a false sense of assurance.

“We’re getting ourasses kicked, but these guys are such sweaty fucking tryhards, am I right?” said your teammate Pierre Miles, who got 4 kills and 17 deaths this match. “They’re probably the type of losers who know literally everything about the maps and all the exploits and shit. Sorry I don’t know about some glitch that makes your gun 3% more effective, I’m just trying to have some casual fun!” he said, having spent most of the match walking into walls.”

At press time, you and your friends managed to pull off a genuine win in a close game of Splitgate, unknowingly against an actual squad of bots.