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True Simpsons Fan Doesn’t Think Any of It Is Good


MOBERLY, Mo. — Self-proclaimed “Simpsons Superfan” Walter Groznic took to internet forums with an explosive tirade, finally narrowing down which episodes and seasons of the iconic watershed cartoon The Simpsons are still worth watching today: none of them.

“Casual enjoyers like any old Simpsons episode, longtime fans like seasons two through eleven, but the true Simpsons obsessives know the entire show is bad,” Groznic said. “I think the show really started going downhill with season one episode one ‘Simpsons Roasting on an Open Fire.’ That episode completely forgot what made the characters so great, and you can tell that the writer’s started to jump ship by the end of the opening theme song. Whenever someone tells me that they like an episode of The Simpsons, I know they aren’t a true-blooded fan.”

According to those familiar with the situation, local Simpsons fan club president Larry Goggins agreed with Groznic’s general sentiments about the long-running cartoon.

“When I started, I liked almost every episode of the show, but I’m working on getting that down,” Goggins said. “I only like two episodes now, and I’m thinking by the end of the year I could be down to just one. Something to keep in mind as a Simpsons fan: if someone has never seen the show, you must defend it and sing its high praises until red in the face, but if someone enjoys it, they’re just a corporate stooge.”

Simpsons creator Matt Groenig gave his perspective on the hotly-debated quality of the show.

“People always forget that I had nothing but contempt for The Simpsons from day one,” Groenig said. “In fact, I was only writing most of those episodes to put those characters through pain, trials, and tribulations. I created a family simply to destroy them. Anyone who says they like the show is a filthy menace to society. How could anyone have love for such a vile, antisocial man like Mr. Homer Simpson? This, I will never know.”

At press time, Fox announced that The Simpsons will be renewed through the next 35 seasons.