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Pandemic to Auto-Renew on March 12th


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EARTH — The entire world was devastated to learn Friday that, because of a general oversight on humanity’s part, the COVID-19 pandemic is going to auto-renew for another year on March 12, 2021.

“There’s no better way to say it: as a planet, we really biffed this,” said Dr. Anthony Fauci, Director of the National Institute of Allergy and Infectious Diseases, and the one guy who noticed the auto-renewal was happening just as the transaction began processing. “Total slip-up. Global whoopsy. International brain fart. We probably can’t cancel it, at this point but we’ll just have to remember next year.”

Dr. Fauci went on to explain how the “Coronavirus Disease 2019” line item managed to slip past our society for a full 12 months.

“This time last year, many people assumed that the pandemic would be little more than a month-long trial,” Fauci recalled. “But then, evidently, we all got distracted, moved on with our lives, let it fall to the back of our minds, and boom — we’re saddled with another $1.9 trillion bill, and another year of unlimited access to the novel coronavirus.”

Biden administration officials assured the public that this would be the final time the pandemic would auto-renew. The White House has reportedly been in contact with Pfizer customer service to end the subscription earlier, if possible, but the refund policy is unclear.

“To be frank, if we had different leadership this time last year, we may never have signed up for SARS-CoV-2 in the first place,” said Dr. Rachel Levine, President Biden’s Assistant Secretary for Health nominee. “That’s just a sus-looking item to have on your billing statement anyway.”

When asked what the average person can do to prevent the pandemic from auto-renewing in the future, Levine repeated the same guidelines that have been in place for the last year: wear a mask, maintain six feet of social distance, and avoid large gatherings.

“But also,” she added, “it couldn’t hurt to put a sticky note above your computer that says something like ‘END PANDEMIC’ or ‘UNSUB COVID,’ just so that it remains top of mind.”

At press time, to make sure that mankind doesn’t forget again, the CDC sent a Google Calendar reminder to all 7.8 billion people on Earth titled “CANCEL CORONAVIRUS AND PARAMOUNT+” for March 12, 2022.

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