SAN JOSE, Calif. — At a recent Parkside Hall tech conference, several VR industry leaders announced that all hotly anticipated VR developments will occur eventually, just not within your short and miserable lifetime.
“Our current roadmap puts full-scale augmented reality experiences at about, say, half a decade after your death and the deaths of your friends,” announced Windows Mixed Reality presenter Rowan Frank. “If we hit those targets and wind up ahead of schedule, it’ll come out around the time you’re too feeble and weak-kneed to make use of it anyway, so it’s really not even worth stressing over.”
“See that kid over there?” Valve CEO and Valve Index development head Gabe Newell asked the audience during a later presentation, gesturing to a child in front-row seating. “About seven years old, parents with twice your income, wiping a booger on his lollipop? That kid’s going to be jacked in full-immersion, slaughtering Russian super-soldiers in Call Of Duty 2K71, while you’re in a vase on someone’s mantelpiece.”
“If I were you, I’d get used to strapping your phone to a View-Master and playing goddamn Fruit Ninja at the bus stop, because that’s the closest you’ll ever get to living in the future.”
Several industry experts were able to back up this development timeline, and reacted to the news with youthful enthusiasm.
“I met with the guys at Oculus this morning,” said tech expert and LinusTechTips host Linus Sebastian at press time, “and they jacked me into a full-scale cyber-orgy with flawless haptic feedback that they’ve been working on, some real Ready Player One business. You should have seen the pixels. I’m so glad I have the spritely youth and sponsorship income to experience it when it comes out in thirty-some years.”
Sebastian also explained that any VR tech that arrives in your lifetime would still be behind an economic barrier you could never hope to overcome.
“You already can’t afford VR,” he explained. “Even if you were still alive, what makes you think you could be able to afford it when it’s good? Gonna get a fourth job?”
The tech conference concluded with the introduction of several dozen affluent, able-bodied young people, playing a VR game that involved throwing rotten fruit at a JPEG of a man in his thirties.
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