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conservative, dril, epstein, gooigi, icon, president, trumpWASHINGTON — Famed cursed twitter account @dril became a conservative icon this morning after being retweeted by President Donald Trump, in what experts say may have been an accident.
After an intense round of hearings, President Trump retweeted a tweet simply saying, “i love to cum red white white white white and blue from my balls” originally sent in 2009. Within minutes, dril, whose identity is currently unknown to the public, became incredibly popular in the conservative community and was quickly invited onto multiple rightwing talk shows.
“I masturbate into my own face every single morning now that American patriot dril told me I should,” said 56-year-old Alabama resident Kip Sommers. “dril tells it like it is. And when ‘it’ I mean cumming and when I say ‘is’ I mean the fact that we need to do it into our own faces. I now know that if I want to protect my president and my nation, I need to never log off.”
Despite only hours having passed since the president’s retweet, dril has already appeared on the Joe Rogan Experience with his face blurred out.
“Wow. Amazing. I really love the insight you’re getting out into the world. What you’ve said about shitting yourself has changed my life, man. Have you ever tried DMT?” Joe Rogan asked dril in the 7-hour YouTube interview, in which dril does not speak. “What’s crazy is that we evolved from shit, man, you know? That’s true. I tied a scientist to a chair and he told me that. Shit is such an important part of nature, man, we use it to plant bushes, make earth fertile. It’s society. Wild shit.”
Former top conservative icon Ben Shapiro solemnly congratulated dril on taking the top spot in a series of depressing tweets.
“I think dril is a good and important conservative and I am honored to be second place, which numerically is number two on the list,” Shapiro inexplicably tweeted. “I respect dril’s position on how our opinions should be based on whether or not girls like them. My doctor is a wife, in case you did not know.”
When reached for comment, dril said, “no”
However, dril’s spotlight was quickly taken after it was revealed that Jeffrey Epstein was in fact murdered by famed goo-plumber Gooigi, who slipped in between the bars.
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