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bill gates, divorce, microsoft, xboxMEDINA, Wash. ā Desperately attempting to sway public opinion back into his favor after his divorce, billionaire Bill Gates announced today that he would be launching a new initiative focused on getting everyone a brand new Xbox.
āI know Melinda is probably saying some really hurtful stuff about how I was friends with Jeffrey Epstein to try to turn public opinion on me,ā Gates said. āBut sheās just mad about how much fun weāre all gonna have playing the Master Chief Collection and splurging on name-brand stuff she didnāt want us having before, like Chips Ahoy and Moderna. Billās gonna be the cool billionaire, youāll see.ā
According to those familiar with the situation, Gatesā new live situation has no furniture, but prominently features a sword rack, a DVD copy of 2010ās Dinner for Schmucks, and a shelf of unopened limited release beer cans he claimed he was collecting.
āThis is nothing new for ole Bill here,ā Gates said while repumping his air mattress. āWhen I was young, I dropped out of Harvard and built Microsoft in a garage. Now Iām dropping out of my marriage to build a new life. Iām even starting out in a garage again! Iām calling it the Dude Zone and weāre gonna have so much fun chillaxinā in here.ā
Gatesā generosity however did raise concerns about whether this would be a feasible financial move for Microsoft.
āHonestly if this gets Bill to leave me alone Iāll take the hit,ā said Xbox head executive Phil Spencer. āI feel bad for him, but he keeps calling me to come out on Tuesday and blow all my money on young special interest groups with him. I canāt live like that! Iām a married man and a working class multi-millionaire. I get that heās going through a lot ā he just went through a big divorce and his buddy Jeffrey just died ā but Iām a busy guy and I just gave out millions of free Xboxes.ā
At press time, Gates later clarified that in order to receive their Xbox, fans must ābe coolā when he brings over his 20-year-old girlfriend.
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