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Divorced, Disheveled Bill Gates Announces Everyone Is Getting a Free Xbox

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bill gates, divorce, microsoft, xbox

MEDINA, Wash. — Desperately attempting to sway public opinion back into his favor after his divorce, billionaire Bill Gates announced today that he would be launching a new initiative focused on getting everyone a brand new Xbox.

ā€œI know Melinda is probably saying some really hurtful stuff about how I was friends with Jeffrey Epstein to try to turn public opinion on me,ā€ Gates said. ā€œBut she’s just mad about how much fun we’re all gonna have playing the Master Chief Collection and splurging on name-brand stuff she didn’t want us having before, like Chips Ahoy and Moderna. Bill’s gonna be the cool billionaire, you’ll see.ā€

According to those familiar with the situation, Gates’ new live situation has no furniture, but prominently features a sword rack, a DVD copy of 2010’s Dinner for Schmucks, and a shelf of unopened limited release beer cans he claimed he was collecting.

ā€œThis is nothing new for ole Bill here,ā€ Gates said while repumping his air mattress. ā€œWhen I was young, I dropped out of Harvard and built Microsoft in a garage. Now I’m dropping out of my marriage to build a new life. I’m even starting out in a garage again! I’m calling it the Dude Zone and we’re gonna have so much fun chillaxin’ in here.ā€

Gates’ generosity however did raise concerns about whether this would be a feasible financial move for Microsoft.

ā€œHonestly if this gets Bill to leave me alone I’ll take the hit,ā€ said Xbox head executive Phil Spencer. ā€œI feel bad for him, but he keeps calling me to come out on Tuesday and blow all my money on young special interest groups with him. I can’t live like that! I’m a married man and a working class multi-millionaire. I get that he’s going through a lot — he just went through a big divorce and his buddy Jeffrey just died — but I’m a busy guy and I just gave out millions of free Xboxes.ā€

At press time, Gates later clarified that in order to receive their Xbox, fans must ā€œbe coolā€ when he brings over his 20-year-old girlfriend.

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