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brain, cdc, chair, covid, disease, gaming, parasite

ATLANTA — Warning that the spread of the new threat would only add further strain to the ongoing global health crisis, virologists at the CDC warned yesterday of an alarming new threat to the American public in the form of a contagious brain parasite which convinces people that spending their hard-earned money on a gaming chair is actually a good idea.

“We are learning more about this new threat every day, but so far we can confirm that the primary symptom caused by the parasite is the sudden impulse to purchase one of those huge upholstered gaming chairs,” said Dr. Claire Harrington in prepared remarks to the press. “This is not unlike the way that some parasitic worms control the brains of their host, and the effects are just as deadly to the aesthetic of your living space.”

Dr. Harrington noted that while the CDC is still studying the different ways the parasite could spread, the highest risk of transmission comes from face-to-face transmission between an infected person who already owns a gamer chair and an uninfected person who has really been thinking about one lately.

“Luckily, the parasite does not seem to travel through the air. What’s even more troubling is the possibility that it naturally occurs in the human body after seeing or talking to someone about a gaming chair. The likelihood of infection can also be doubled once an uninfected person hears how easy the chairs are to put together and how comfortable they are for late night gaming sessions.”

Gamers across the country say that they are fearful of exposure to this new threat.

“I’m at much higher risk of deciding to buy a gamer chair due to my pre-existing condition of having a cheap desk chair from AmazonBasics,” said gamer Tyler Boone, logging onto Twitter to mute the words “gaming chair” in an effort to reduce his exposure to the virus. “I want to reach out to my friends to see if they’re okay, but there’s always the risk that they’ve just bought a gaming chair that they can’t wait to tell me about. You just can’t be too careful right now.”

At press time, the CDC had updated its guidance to warn gamers against gathering in large Discord servers until sales of gaming chairs dropped back down below acceptable levels.

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