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Team Rocket Mortified as Teleporter Pad Fuses Child With Butterfree


SAFFRON CITY, Kanto — Members of notorious crime syndicate Team Rocket were horrified to discover that a small child who stumbled into their headquarters accidentally stepped onto an experimental teleportation device and had her DNA scrambled with that of a Butterfree.

“When you install random teleportation pads everywhere, the last thing you imagine is an accident happening,” said Rocket organization leader Giovanni in a press release. “I mean, this building isn’t even really ours. Silph Co. are the morons who didn’t put child safety locks anywhere. We at Team Rocket guarantee that our weird ass floor tiles are only implemented in strictly 18+ locations like Casinos and that strip club up the stairs in the Celadon hotel.” 

When asked for assistance, Bill, the only expert in the field of accidental human/Pokémon hybrids, was unable to help.

“You know, normally I have a machine that could fix this poor bastard right up. Thing is, she flew away and started blowing sleep powder out of her ass before anyone could grab her,” said Bill, who has reportedly had the same DNA accident “dozens” of times. “Those Rocket guys are awful at catching Pokémon, huh?”

Unfortunately, Bill was pessimistic about the kid’s chances of survival.

“Yeah, I don’t see that abomination lasting very long in the tall grass,” he said. “Anyways, it’s probably for the best. At this point anything that’s left of a human brain inside of that flesh prison can feel only hunger.”

If a civilian sees a child matching this description, their mother has requested that they please, for the love of god, do not try to help her. The child is beyond saving.